From the Heart.

I have had an epiphany these past few months. One that has left me puzzled and asking myself where the "Old" Kelly has gone, since my thoughts and feelings on relationships have changed so drastically. I have had so much time to think, and re-think, daydream and plan for my idea of the "Perfect Partner". Outside of the qualities I have usually allotted to my companion, one thing stands out as completely different and new to my thought process. It has taken up until now for me to digest how much my desire for one specific trait in a partner encompasses my complete change from the woman I was just 2 short years ago. 

Yes I still want the romance.
Yes I want the humor and immature antics. 
Yes, of course I still want to share the same common
 beliefs as the one I spend my life with.
Yes, these are things I have known I wanted for as long as I can remember. 

 My whole life I dreamed of a man who wanted to dedicate all of his time to me. Someone who found me so alluring that he never wanted to part from my side. We would go everywhere together, see the world, share in my love of family, talk for hours on end about anything and everything, and have these amazing experiences together. Always together. What I failed to realize in this co-dependent fantasy of mine was that I was not so much looking for a partner as I was a distraction. Someone to mask the inner demons I had been battling for as long as I could remember. Someone to lift me up when I could no longer hold myself up. But at that time, I needed to be upheld constantly. I needed reassurance that every move I made was okay, that I was pretty enough, worthy enough- of anything
I had been so lost and mislead. I had no clue who I was at all and it has taken me so much effort to search through out myself and battle the true source of my insecurities. And I fought. I refused to allow myself to sink any deeper into unhealthy relationships than I already had. I no longer needed a man to hold me up- I had come to a place so firmly rooted in my own inner strength that whenever I faltered I turned inwards to reflect. I no longer needed a man to tell me I was beautiful- I truly, and deeply saw the beauty I held within. I no longer needed a man to reassure me that my path was a valuable one- I found the value in my journey when I was most alone. 

So, as I sat within myself a few days ago, smiling at my updated version of my "Perfect Partner" list, I was most proud of the number one trait I now required in a man:
He must not want to spend all his time with me. 
I no longer want him to. I no longer need him to.
I no longer need distraction from life. 

Yes. I want someone like me. Self aware, self assured and driven by the passion the swells inside of them. I want a man who, when he has his arms wrapped around me, is beaming from the inside when he speaks about his dreams and goals. I want the man who knows his own worth, and sees mine just as clearly. I want the man who makes time to consistently fuel his own fire. I want to stand by him and watch in awe as he nurtures the gift of life he has been given. I want to be his foundation when he needs it, and I wish for the same love and respect in return. 
I want the joy of two souls who know themselves as much as each other so seamlessly that they fear nothing when separated. I want the joy of two people filled to the brim with the happiness they need to live life. Because after all, what is the point of sharing a soulful experience on Earth with someone if you are not working on their happiness as much as your own? I no longer feel the need to cling, nervous that if my partner strays too far he will forget me or lose interest. I have lost those emotions because I am secure within myself. I can take care of myself and hold confidence that the relationship I am in is built sturdier than the need for constant contact and unhealthy affirmations. 

When you take the fear away (from any situation) you are left with such a simple concept.  
Love and be loved in return. 

It's all I ask for anymore. It's all I truly need. 

Surviving Right NOW.

     Accept Where You Are Today
For someone who lives her life in her mind, constantly replaying old events and conversations. I find the task of keeping myself present an almost impossible one. However, once mastered (Who am I kidding? I haven't mastered anything past two second diaper changes.) your entire world will change. The gift that comes with accepting today as the only moment that matters, is the gift of light shoulders and a lighter heart. You are free to focus on the NOW, this exact NOW moment holds the potential for anything to happen.

On my hardest, most exhausting days accepting where I am at this very time is as simple as asking myself three questions:
1) Do my kids and I have a roof over our heads?
2)Are my children well fed, happy, and safe?
3) Do I need a nap today?

The last question is not a joke. If I am mentally and physically drained, I look to the comfort of being in the moment. If my children have a roof over their heads and are fed, happy, and safe than I did my job for that day. If I need rest and I'm struggling on levels deeper than I can cope with, I stop myself from piling on more than I can handle. I nap. I restore my energy. And I reevaluate my situation once I feel refreshed. Once at that point, things hardly ever seem as bleak as they did in my clouded mind of exhaustion. 

Don't Set Yourself Up for Failure:
Most days I wake ready to tackle the world in one fell swoop. I pile on an overwhelming amount of chores and errands in a small amount of time. This leaves me feeling beyond stressed and defeated once I realize I simply cannot get every last item done in one day. That is when I return to my set of questions.

1) Do my kids and I have a roof over our heads?
2)Are my children well fed, happy, and safe?
3) Do I need a nap today?
4) What is one thing I can do today that will positively affect my future life?
By accomplishing at least one task today that will change my future tomorrow or the years to come, I know I did enough to feel proactive without feeling crushed by the powerful unknowns of my future. I have the confidence to sit down with my cup of tea at night and exhale with a sigh of accomplishment.

I lived in the now. And I lived for today. I kept myself evenly balanced and focused on what I could do without guilting myself for what I could not do. 

Lists Are Key:
If I had to remember every last task I wanted to accomplish in one day, I would hardly be able to do it by memory alone. Not only that but walking around with a full mind is simply added stress I do not need. Therefore a notebook is my best ally. 

Each morning I sit down with my daily planner and jot down every last thought in my mind. Call so and so... sweep the floor.... find the missing toy from last night.. etc. Once my list is complete I choose 3 of the most important ones to me for the day. That is it. The next day I will add the leftovers to the list again and work from there. This way I have accomplished much without succombing to the sting of neglecting an item on my list. 

Friends, this is not about laziness. It's about survival in a household that you single handedly run. It's about keeping my wits and my spirits high when meltdowns occur on an hourly basis. My strength is better saved in the patience department than it is washing a sink. The time will come when my home will sparkle like a land of unicorns, but for now I have moved myself just a smidge further towards my goals for a better future while making sure to continually stay present with the moments happening around me now

That makes for an amazing day!

I Am Not A Morning Mom.

I woke up this morning long before the sun had risen to the sound of shrieking laughter from the big kids room. And I wasn't happy about it. In fact I groaned and threw a pillow over my head in hopes of stifling the noise so I may be able to get at least five more minutes of sleep. But the shrieking quickly turned to calling.... for me. 

I am by far not a morning person, unless I am woken up by my internal clock. And I am especially not a morning person when I have been up countless times in the night to pacify Pixie, to hush tears, or to scare away monsters and bad dreams. I am not a morning person as I trudge to the kitchen mumbling under my breath how anyone who has kids is a moron... I am not a morning person as I pop poor excuses for waffles into the toaster and attempt to hide my annoyance that I have barely been up for five minutes and there are three people tugging me in three different directions with three separate demands. I am still mumbling as I lay my babies on the couch, flick on cartoons and cover them each in blankets to hide from the chill of a dark living room. 
 I don't like the nuzzling my daughter forces upon me, cheek to cheek soft skin on mine. In fact I hate being touched as soon as I have risen. I cringe when Pixie climbs onto my lap and squeaks for milk, while inside I am dying for my first cup of coffee. The sounds of Flapjack cackling on the tv is almost enough to send me into a Hulk fighting fury. I miss my mornings of silence and reflection, moments where a million questions weren't asked before I even had a chance to pee. Actually, I miss the times when no one was there watching me pee. All of this and more is why I don't like mornings, especially demanding loud ones. 

After I have done my motherly duties with the kids and everyone has settled I stomp back into the kitchen and make myself a glorious cup of coffee. I sit in the peace of the dimly lit kitchen and chug back my nectar of the Gods while preparing myself for a new day. In that moment I am healed of all annoyances and with two deep breaths I walk back to the living room. 
 Every single time I arrive to the same sight... 
My sweet babies cuddled together under warm blankets. My loving children content, fed, happy and ready for the adventures today will bring. I stop and realize it's only been an hour since I have been awake and I have already kissed each of my kids. I have comforted them. I have nuzzled them. I have expressed my love through gritted teeth- but it was expressed. I have hugged and made my terrible jokes that sent each child into laughing fits and they in turn have joked with me. We have bonded and we have been present with each other.

So, no, I am not a morning person. Yet I would never change these moments for anything. 
Good morning.

The Plans Ahead.

I am (surprisingly) up before the kids this morning. A treat I should honor myself with more often. The house is still and my coffee is steaming as it touches my lips. Something that rarely happens when all three are awake and clamoring for my attention, and breakfast.

I have spent the last few weeks in an endless mission to organize my future life plans. Gosh, I should know better by now about projecting myself so far ahead. It usually benefits no one but the spot inside my brain labeled "paranoia". Yet, here I sit, day after day, writing and rewriting my life goals and aspirations. 

I have decided to follow through on my dreams of becoming a doula and thanks to the help of a wonderful friend I have found online courses I can take at the pace of my own schedule. This will be a blessing! I am looking forward to the days where I can single handedly hold my family up on stable ground. Financially and emotionally. Little by little I work on myself to complete the ideals I have for the life my children deserve to lead. While I am proud to say that the life they lead now is a gorgeous, satisfying, love-filled existence, I strive for more. And always will. 
It has come to my attention, through no one but my own nagging intuition, that I have been holding tight to grudges that have been keeping me incredibly stagnant. If I want to move forward I have to be able to let go of the hurt that wells inside of me. When I think of my past situation I feel an anger begin to brew and my entire body starts to heat up with annoyance. It sticks around all day and lingers in everything I do. I don't want to be that way and I certainly don't want to become a resentful person. So I have been trying to stay mindful of where my thoughts stray. Keeping positive thoughts and intentions behind every single action I make.I want to keep my memories in the past. While I may never understand the motives or reasons behind any individual besides myself, I want to work on forming an unbiased mindset of the past few years. Time heals all wounds, this I know.

So much goes on in my everyday life that if I am not keeping mind of my thoughts I know for sure my mental illness could turn my body on auto-pilot and I would be making zero strides to the existance I am dreaming of for myself and my children. 

I am so much more than a 4'10 vessel carrying on about as a human. I am a spiritual and healing entity who knows exactly what she wants for herself, and will stop at nothing to achieve her goals. 

Life is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. 

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