Confessions.

It's 5 am and I have been restlessly fighting my mind for hours. The days activities busy me enough to hide from my thoughts but once I lie down my mind erupts with insecurities and fear. I hate this new pattern I have picked up. I can see the reflections of my inner self in everything around me now. I can't help but chuckle as I also notice the mindless job I do to cover it all up. 

You know how 'they' say your home is the biggest mirror of yourself? Mine is spot on. Toys litter the floor and food sits around on the table all day, until I remember to pick it up after forgetting about it because someone knocked a lamp down, or there is a portrait being formed on my living room wall, or the baby needs to eat, or someone needs to be changed (you know the list and it goes on forever). During the day both my home and mind are frazzled. And I relish in the distraction it brings to my heart. At night I primp every noticeable area back to the pristine condition it was before the kids woke that morning. Some have even gushed over how effortlessly I seem to have kept things in order. This is not the case. In either my home or body. Open a door, look in a cabinet, check under my bed. That's where all the dirty secrets are hidden. I can hardly keep myself together, let alone an entire house and three kids. My mind is the same, even more so, my heart. 

It feels easier now to spew sugar coated answers to those who ask how I am coping with this change in my life. I almost don't even notice myself responding to their probing curiosity anymore. My mouth moves methodically, the lines kept in a neatly organized mental folder, ready to repeat themselves over and over. While my head is elsewhere I tell them all about how much I can do alone. How much simpler life is by myself with three small children. This is mostly the case, I stand absolutely firm in my decision. However, I am still finding new pockets of grief as each day passes. There is anger brewing so deeply that it scares me to fully recognize it. I feel wasted, used, and worn out. Occasionally, if I allow myself to, I stew in the "what-ifs", they drive me insane, the fill me with doubt and frustration. I live so deeply in my past that I never fully take hold of the precious NOW moments I boast about so often. I hear myself chastising every little thought I have, "You know better than this. These are not your beliefs."

In time this anger and pain with diminish and I will stand fully aware f just how much I have accomplished. And despite how I feel now, I know how far I have come already. When I truly stop and give myself the credit I deserve, I am so amazed with myself. I never thought I would be here, I never thought I could make it on my own. I have. It's been almost 3 months and here I am with a stronger sense of self and an even more determined state of mind. I know I can do this, I know I can manage. I need to have patience with my mind and understand that these thoughts are a natural process. No one leaves a safe environment for the unknown without brief periods of remorse for what they once had. 

But this is the key, what I keep reminding myself... 

Safe isn't always best.

Keeping Your Constant.

I recently came across this article, and it instantly brought me to tears. How amazing that someone had finally found a way to eloquently explain how every woman feels when entering motherhood. Renegade Mama hit the nail on the head, it was the perfect way to explain how I feel inside most days. 

After reading it, I was left pondering the ways I struggle within myself to blend who I used to be with who I am now. It's hopeless in most cases and I know I must succumb to the woman I am now. The mother. The caregiver. The devoted counter cleaner and clothes washer. The, at times, slave to her own dwellings. Even more so, the newly single mother of three small children who can barely figure out which foot to put in front of the other. I am a fumbling mess of nerves and anticipation. 

***

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

I found myself one night, limp on the couch after a long day with the kids, craving adult interaction so badly. I grazed my entire contacts list to find that most people were either busy or uninterested in doing anything remotely close to staying sober on a Friday night and watching last years episodes of whatever I had chosen. I hurt, and felt a sense of rejection that I knew made no sense yet it didn't seem to matter. I sent a text to my closest friend, "Am I boring? I know I am lacking in conversation, I know I am so awkward now around most people. I don't even have anything to say anymore- I am always home. Just be honest, please." 

I knew she would be truthful and I expected her response to be a soft yes with reassurance that my life would one day pick up and I would once again have things in common with 'The Outside World'.  But, surprisingly she retorted with an overwhelming, "No! You are the one I have the most fun around! You aren't boring at ALL, Kelly." And if she meant it or not, I sighed with relief. She was my constant in that moment. The person who truly knew me, and had known me almost all my life. She was exactly what I needed to bring me back to Earth. 

My constants keep me whole. Especially since I have lost almost all of my memory from before having kids. My constants remind me of who I used to be, and simultaneously bring that person out in me when I simply cannot remember how to be her anymore. I was the trouble maker, the loud-mouth, the instigator. The first one to strip naked and run down the street in the rain. The one who was instantly by your side when you needed a shoulder to cry on- even if she hated you. The girl who cared less about who was watching her, and danced to the beat of her own beautiful drum. My constants hold the bits of myself I crave when I am in my lowest points. I am lucky to have so many deeply seeded friends in my garden of growth. 

Without the people who knew you before life as a parent, it's hard to see the path you will take after being a parent. If I did not hold my friends close I would lose myself completely once my children grew up. My gratitude for the the relationships I strive to always keep in my heart, is beyond words. My eyes well with tears when I think of the people who have held me high when I could not do so on my own. My life is simply beautiful because of them. And I could never say THANK YOU enough for the encouragement and love these friends bring me. Weeks, months, and for some of us, years may pass. But my constants are the people I can see after all that time and feel no sense of time lapse. 

I love you incredibly. 

Reflection.

I spent some time this morning reflecting on past entries I had written. The ebb and flow of my parental existence has hardly rocked the boat until the past few months. Now, I am pretty sure my tiny vessel is moments away from capsizing, and all I can do is hold on and scoop buckets of water back out to the sea before the next wave crashes in. And oddly enough- I am enjoying the rawness of my current situation. It's hard to explain how one can be filled with such conflicting emotions yet feel more alive than ever because of them. Yet for me it's easy to feel a deep sense of peace when I allow myself to feel everything, instead of carrying about ignoring my inner monologues and the physical repercussions they bring. These constant inner thoughts have their place, and I listen carefully as they play out in my mind. It's my unspoken truth, and I am living that more openly now. With carefree joy.

 I no longer have the time to press my opinions onto others, nor do I even care to do so. Living this new life is hard, emotionally, and physically and my reach only goes so far now. Taking care of myself is priority one, so that I may continue to take care of my sweet babies. 

There are breaks now from motherhood. Much more than I have experienced since the start of it for me at 21. I am filling my alone time with distractions to keep from thinking about the future of my life as a single parent, I can only handle each day as it comes. It's overwhelming to project any further than that. In time I will be strong enough to manage months in advance I am sure. 

 I call friends constantly, most likely to an annoying degree. But I am lucky, those closest to me know I have always been a very tenacious (dare I say clingy) friend. They welcome it lovingly and have devoted more of themselves to my happiness than I ever expected. I am humbled by their love and understanding. I am blessed for the nights spent laying my head on someones lap and spewing my stream of consciousness while my dear friends play with my hair and listen quietly. I am blessed for the laughter, the hugs, the texts to make sure I have everything handled ok. The offers to come make me dinner, to help with the kids, to simply sit and be with me. I can admit this whole transition would be so much harder without the affection of loved ones. 

And the good is constantly outshining the bad. For years I spent my time dedicated to mending a broken relationship so far gone, I tired myself with never ending effort and left no space for personal evolution. My opportunity at personal growth and realization of self has come. I fill the deeply lonely moments I once had with activities that bring me joy and smiles. The balance between mother and simple human being has felt much more completed lately. My days with the kids are filled with hugs and conversation. They need quite a bit of reassurance that life is ok and they are not alone in these changes. The emotions of insecurity have finally started to rise to the surface, I have much work to do on that front. When consoling them is all I can do to help the matter, it's what I do. For hours. And I love this part so much! We are becoming so close and so loving in our family. And the kids eyes light up the instant they see their daddy. The separation has brought upon more unity.Each parent finding their own way of bonding in a better manner without the other interrupting. 

There is so much work to be done. There are bound to be mistakes and pitfalls along the way. I am not naive to the facts of divorce and finding your way alone while raising three small children. Or any amount of children for that matter. It's painfully hard at times, it's tiring and emotionally draining. Some nights if I don't laugh at the spaghetti all over the walls I know I would surely find myself locked in the bathroom.

 So I laugh, and I hold my sauce stained kids and remind myself this is all part of the journey. 

                                      xoxo

Coping With Marital Separation.

I spent a good part of last night with Phoenix coughing and close to vomiting  in my bed. We all have the flu- and it's bad bad bad! My muscles ache, my throat burns, I can't breathe, and I am pretty sure that when she threw up, I almost did too. I was too tired to get upset when the baby woke up and started crying for almost an hour. I lazily rocked her in my tired arms and held my head back so it wouldn't nod forward. In moments like last night I often start to feel a mass amount of self pity. If I don't catch it early on, it spirals into something messy. 

Thoughts race in my head,

 "I wish someone else was here to do this. I feel so sick."

"Why did I make this choice? I can't handle it all alone!"

"This is my life now, isn't it?"

These dirty ideas clog my truer sense of self- the one that knows damn well I can handle everything thrown at me, and that I am handling everything. Pretty well if I do say so myself. 

Instead of falling apart last night I knew I had to change my thoughts to something positive. So while one baby cried, and the other lay sprawled across my stomach, I made a list. 

How do I handle the emotions and new responsibly on my own? It took me some time but I was impressed with how many things I could come up with. 

*****

Always, Always, Always, Keep Your Sense Of Humor

I am the type of girl who when faced with uncomfortable situations makes terrible, horrible, no good, very bad jokes. They spew from my mouth until I am laughing loudly to myself. And I am really lucky to have friends that completely understand how I cope with crappy situations. They can make the same jokes to me and instantly bring a smile to my face. (It helps to have witty friends.)

Remember Who You Were As An Individual

Since Derek has moved out, I have decided to stretch my wings outside my own box and reconnect with people I knew before Derek and I got married. These are the people I sort of brushed aside in the flurry of  new marriage and kids. I spend my time doing things I used to have a blast doing, I find new connections and listen to the memories others have of me. I have the worst memory.I am grateful for the people who can help bring back the pieces of me I may have unintentionally lost while focusing so hard on being a good wife and mother. I have gained a new sense of individuality. No longer am I a WE, I am a ME, and oddly enough I need guidance on how to bring that person back to 

the forefront.

Stay Distracted.

At least in the beginning...

During the times where you and your husband would be spending time together,  now need to be filled with moments of joy specifically for you. Paint your nails, do your makeup fancy just for fun, watch all those cheesy Lifetime movies he would never watch with you. Drink some wine! Take a bath. 

I have been filling my time after the kids go to bed with friends. I have people come over and cook with me, then we sit together laughing and watching movies. They know I need them at the moment and I am not ashamed to ask for the company. 

Have An Ugly Cry Moment (Or Five. Or Six.)

You know those cliche movie cry scenes? The ones where the girl slams her back against a wall and slowly slides down into a ball on the floor sobbing uncontrollably with the worst face ever? Do that.

 Allow yourself the freedom to let go. I can clearly remember a moment where the kids were asleep. I had no one to text or call, and the house was dark. And quiet. So quiet it made my heart ache. I cracked. 

I bent over my sink filled with dirty dishes and sobbed harder then I have in years. I screamed so loud. I fell to the floor. I laid on the linoleum in a puddle of my own tears. I can't even remember how long I was on the floor crying and sputtering. 

When I was done, I felt amazing. I dried my eyes, cleaned my face, changed my clothes and moved on. For some time I had refused to let myself ever get to that sloppy place of sadness, but holding all my emotions in felt terrible and binding. The release was exactly what I needed to feel good about myself. Remember- there is no weakness in crying.

Be Present With Your Kids. 

I tend to constantly live in my own mind. I am always thinking of this, that, or the other thing. I make stupid plans for the future just to feel like I am in control, when I down right know I don't need to be in control every second. It keeps me distracted from reality. I have learned to recognize these times and switch it to the kids. 

 Be with your babies, even if it's just to talk or read a million books a day. Your separation is a change for them as well. And they need help navigating their feelings just as much as you do. If not more. 

If I don't have the energy to give to the kids I simply sit with them on my lap. We talk, or cuddle, or yep.... cry. (Can ya tell I am the biggest cry baby ever?) NO matter what it is- we do it together.

Allow Yourself An Easy Way Out.

This one I am struggling with massively. 

Allowing myself to let go of things that cause me unneeded stress and hardship when I cannot simply handle any more at the moment.

For me it was nursing Pixie. She has been fighting me tooth and nail the past few weeks. I took her to the doctor thinking she had an ear infection or that something was hurting her. Nothing is wrong. She is healthy. Yet she fights breastfeeding like nobody's business. It was wearing me down. She cried non stop, popped on and off of me and writhed in pain. I couldn't do it. And it broke my heart more than I could ever express. This was my passion and I never once contemplated switching to formula. But this was all before Derek and I split, and then the tables were turned.

 I needed to pick my battles and more importantly I needed to keep myself sane. So I sulked into Walmart, grabbed a can of formula and literally cried in front of the cashier. This poor kid was so confused. He kept his head down and so did I. The second I left the store I called my mom, she probably thought someone had died I was so upset. "I.....I ..... I just bought a can of formula."

That was two weeks ago and I have to be honest, I can breathe again! I needed this for myself at the moment. We still nurse occasionally in the morning and middle of the night but she fights it. Constantly. So I simply  am going with the flow.

And the most important rule of all....

WEAR WASHABLE MASCARA!

Yup, you heard me. There are going to be times when you cannot be a blubbering mess. Where you need to dust yourself off, open the front door, and present yourself to the world in all of your beautiful STRONG glory. For these days my little secret is washable mascara. I put my nicest face forward and once this happens I simply will not allow myself to cry. I would never risk raccoon eyes and tear stained cheeks. Heaven forbid! (snicker) 

This has honestly kept me together a few times. I swear by it. 

*****

In all of the changes you are going through with being on your own you need to realize that no matter how weak and tired you feel on the inside- you are not!

 You are strong. Powerful. In charge!

Things are coming together perfectly for me at the moment. I live in the solace that Derek and I made the best choice we could. We are happier apart, we get along so much better. And with that- our parenting is growing. 

This too shall pass.