I have had an epiphany these past few months. One that has left me puzzled and asking myself where the "Old" Kelly has gone, since my thoughts and feelings on relationships have changed so drastically. I have had so much time to think, and re-think, daydream and plan for my idea of the "Perfect Partner". Outside of the qualities I have usually allotted to my companion, one thing stands out as completely different and new to my thought process. It has taken up until now for me to digest how much my desire for one specific trait in a partner encompasses my complete change from the woman I was just 2 short years ago.
Yes I still want the romance.
Yes I want the humor and immature antics.
Yes, of course I still want to share the same common
beliefs as the one I spend my life with.
Yes, these are things I have known I wanted for as long as I can remember.
My whole life I dreamed of a man who wanted to dedicate all of his time to me. Someone who found me so alluring that he never wanted to part from my side. We would go everywhere together, see the world, share in my love of family, talk for hours on end about anything and everything, and have these amazing experiences together. Always together. What I failed to realize in this co-dependent fantasy of mine was that I was not so much looking for a partner as I was a distraction. Someone to mask the inner demons I had been battling for as long as I could remember. Someone to lift me up when I could no longer hold myself up. But at that time, I needed to be upheld constantly. I needed reassurance that every move I made was okay, that I was pretty enough, worthy enough- of anything.
I had been so lost and mislead. I had no clue who I was at all and it has taken me so much effort to search through out myself and battle the true source of my insecurities. And I fought. I refused to allow myself to sink any deeper into unhealthy relationships than I already had. I no longer needed a man to hold me up- I had come to a place so firmly rooted in my own inner strength that whenever I faltered I turned inwards to reflect. I no longer needed a man to tell me I was beautiful- I truly, and deeply saw the beauty I held within. I no longer needed a man to reassure me that my path was a valuable one- I found the value in my journey when I was most alone.
So, as I sat within myself a few days ago, smiling at my updated version of my "Perfect Partner" list, I was most proud of the number one trait I now required in a man:
He must not want to spend all his time with me.
I no longer want him to. I no longer need him to.
I no longer need distraction from life.
Yes. I want someone like me. Self aware, self assured and driven by the passion the swells inside of them. I want a man who, when he has his arms wrapped around me, is beaming from the inside when he speaks about his dreams and goals. I want the man who knows his own worth, and sees mine just as clearly. I want the man who makes time to consistently fuel his own fire. I want to stand by him and watch in awe as he nurtures the gift of life he has been given. I want to be his foundation when he needs it, and I wish for the same love and respect in return.
I want the joy of two souls who know themselves as much as each other so seamlessly that they fear nothing when separated. I want the joy of two people filled to the brim with the happiness they need to live life. Because after all, what is the point of sharing a soulful experience on Earth with someone if you are not working on their happiness as much as your own? I no longer feel the need to cling, nervous that if my partner strays too far he will forget me or lose interest. I have lost those emotions because I am secure within myself. I can take care of myself and hold confidence that the relationship I am in is built sturdier than the need for constant contact and unhealthy affirmations.
When you take the fear away (from any situation) you are left with such a simple concept.
Love and be loved in return.
It's all I ask for anymore. It's all I truly need.