I Am Not A Morning Mom.

I woke up this morning long before the sun had risen to the sound of shrieking laughter from the big kids room. And I wasn't happy about it. In fact I groaned and threw a pillow over my head in hopes of stifling the noise so I may be able to get at least five more minutes of sleep. But the shrieking quickly turned to calling.... for me. 

I am by far not a morning person, unless I am woken up by my internal clock. And I am especially not a morning person when I have been up countless times in the night to pacify Pixie, to hush tears, or to scare away monsters and bad dreams. I am not a morning person as I trudge to the kitchen mumbling under my breath how anyone who has kids is a moron... I am not a morning person as I pop poor excuses for waffles into the toaster and attempt to hide my annoyance that I have barely been up for five minutes and there are three people tugging me in three different directions with three separate demands. I am still mumbling as I lay my babies on the couch, flick on cartoons and cover them each in blankets to hide from the chill of a dark living room. 
 I don't like the nuzzling my daughter forces upon me, cheek to cheek soft skin on mine. In fact I hate being touched as soon as I have risen. I cringe when Pixie climbs onto my lap and squeaks for milk, while inside I am dying for my first cup of coffee. The sounds of Flapjack cackling on the tv is almost enough to send me into a Hulk fighting fury. I miss my mornings of silence and reflection, moments where a million questions weren't asked before I even had a chance to pee. Actually, I miss the times when no one was there watching me pee. All of this and more is why I don't like mornings, especially demanding loud ones. 

After I have done my motherly duties with the kids and everyone has settled I stomp back into the kitchen and make myself a glorious cup of coffee. I sit in the peace of the dimly lit kitchen and chug back my nectar of the Gods while preparing myself for a new day. In that moment I am healed of all annoyances and with two deep breaths I walk back to the living room. 
 Every single time I arrive to the same sight... 
My sweet babies cuddled together under warm blankets. My loving children content, fed, happy and ready for the adventures today will bring. I stop and realize it's only been an hour since I have been awake and I have already kissed each of my kids. I have comforted them. I have nuzzled them. I have expressed my love through gritted teeth- but it was expressed. I have hugged and made my terrible jokes that sent each child into laughing fits and they in turn have joked with me. We have bonded and we have been present with each other.

So, no, I am not a morning person. Yet I would never change these moments for anything. 
Good morning.

The Plans Ahead.

I am (surprisingly) up before the kids this morning. A treat I should honor myself with more often. The house is still and my coffee is steaming as it touches my lips. Something that rarely happens when all three are awake and clamoring for my attention, and breakfast.

I have spent the last few weeks in an endless mission to organize my future life plans. Gosh, I should know better by now about projecting myself so far ahead. It usually benefits no one but the spot inside my brain labeled "paranoia". Yet, here I sit, day after day, writing and rewriting my life goals and aspirations. 

I have decided to follow through on my dreams of becoming a doula and thanks to the help of a wonderful friend I have found online courses I can take at the pace of my own schedule. This will be a blessing! I am looking forward to the days where I can single handedly hold my family up on stable ground. Financially and emotionally. Little by little I work on myself to complete the ideals I have for the life my children deserve to lead. While I am proud to say that the life they lead now is a gorgeous, satisfying, love-filled existence, I strive for more. And always will. 
It has come to my attention, through no one but my own nagging intuition, that I have been holding tight to grudges that have been keeping me incredibly stagnant. If I want to move forward I have to be able to let go of the hurt that wells inside of me. When I think of my past situation I feel an anger begin to brew and my entire body starts to heat up with annoyance. It sticks around all day and lingers in everything I do. I don't want to be that way and I certainly don't want to become a resentful person. So I have been trying to stay mindful of where my thoughts stray. Keeping positive thoughts and intentions behind every single action I make.I want to keep my memories in the past. While I may never understand the motives or reasons behind any individual besides myself, I want to work on forming an unbiased mindset of the past few years. Time heals all wounds, this I know.

So much goes on in my everyday life that if I am not keeping mind of my thoughts I know for sure my mental illness could turn my body on auto-pilot and I would be making zero strides to the existance I am dreaming of for myself and my children. 

I am so much more than a 4'10 vessel carrying on about as a human. I am a spiritual and healing entity who knows exactly what she wants for herself, and will stop at nothing to achieve her goals. 

Life is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. 

My Morning Reflection.

Ah, morning...
Here in my home that can only mean one of two things. I am either hiding under my blankets in bed repeating my morning mantra of, "no no no no no no" while the kids scream down the hallway and run into Pixie's room to sing to her their 'Good Morning Song'. Or it's the occasional morning where every one is still rubbing the sleep from their eyes and would rather lay on the couch watching cartoons, thus, giving mama some peace before the craziness of the day begins. 
This morning it's the latter and my sweet Pixie lays cuddled up with her dolls while the shrill sounds of Spongebob resonate through my house.
  It's still too early for Spongebob... It's always too early for Spongebob.

There is a stillness about this morning. 
Snow is falling softly outside my bay window as I type this, and it leaves me in the most reflective state I have been in for quite some time. These are the moments I cherish, the times I stop and observe my surroundings with such a massive amount of gratitude. I can physically feel the lightness from layers I have shed and folded neatly into my minds closet. I will hold them close always, each a part of me that lends to remind how strong I am. How strong I will always be- even without them.

These are the mornings I can see the beauty in the mundane. Light shines off of my children and I am able to see past the here and now, the fights, and crying. I am able to stop and breathe in their existence. Truly see their souls and thank everything, everywhere, for the chance I was given to be their guide for this lifetime. 

These children we hold, nurture, clothe, and bathe are so precious. I have lost so much time fretting over the future. I have closed my eyes only to open them again to find my baby has now grown into an independent entity of her own. I have found my tiny son is now one of the funniest and intense 5 years olds I know. I have missed so much by not appreciating my mornings the way I am right now. And today I will absorb whatever I can in this very moment.
 I will never experience this exact piece of life again... How incredible.

“Forget yesterday - it has already forgotten you. Don't sweat tomorrow - you haven't even met. Instead, open your eyes and your heart to a truly precious gift - today.” 
― Steve Maraboli

Yoga Ruined Who I Was.

I'm not ashamed to admit one of my biggest faults:
I'm a pig headed stubborn woman. 
If I don't want to change- you won't be able to make me. No matter what.
And after last year I had felt I had done enough changing to last me an eternity. I was done changing. 
As much as I boast and brag about how I relish the evolution of my life, and I do, I fight just as hard to keep things as normal as possible for my daily routine. Shaking things up is just not my idea of a good time at the moment. I am craving structure and stability and that has meant keeping myself in a stagnant place out of sheer security. Sounds a bit ridiculous and counter productive but hey, like I said, I'm a stubborn gal.

A few months back I began working at a yoga studio to make some extra money to begin to rely on myself a bit more. My mind was business focused and I had no interest in getting into yoga outside of understanding it for work related purposes. I was in mission mode and the directive was certainly not health related. 

That was until I walked into the studio on the first day.
It was from that moment on that my life began a downward spiral into uncontrollable change and evolution. 
Each day I entered and started my morning routine I felt a sense of calm envelope me. I can't tell you if it was the candles that I lit in as many places as I could, or the way the light wood flooring seemed to look so warm and inviting while the sun rose out the window of the studio. But something, each morning, calmed my muscles and eased my frantic breathing. I had begun to smile more. To breathe deeper and with a beautiful sense of newfound purpose. 
 In the first few weeks of working there I would dutifully fulfill my tasks and then run into the kitchen to hide away and eat my McDonalds. Despite the fact I was working in an environment promoting health I told myself I would be damned if I gave up my beloved cheeseburgers. After all, something about them brought me comfort. Ronald McDonald had been the man who never abandoned me when I needed him and I would certainly never do the same to him. 
This was for sure and I knew I would never sway.

As the months went by my  boss asked me to take a few classes here and there so I could get a better understanding of what each teacher stood for...
And she may have thrown in there that I was a completely frazzled mess of a mommy who needed the relaxation as well... But that's not that obvious is it? No...

I took the classes and found myself leaving feeling amazing. Healed, whole, rejuvenated and instantly somehow healthier. I knew it wasn't just me feeling this positively after I left from an hour of bending and stretching not only my body, but my mind as well. I saw the same changes in the men and women who came running through the front doors, yoga mat in hand, in a frenzied state to make it on time. I saw the way their muscles seemed tight, their jaws locked and their minds completely off somewhere else. I witnessed the changes first hand as each class ended. The same lock-jawed distracted students emerged from their practice light and airy. Always smiling and some even glowing with the feeling of rejuvenation. Something was happening here and although I couldn't put my finger on it- I knew I was once again evolving on a level that I could not return from. Yoga was tearing apart who I was and replacing my crumbling structure with stronger bricks and healthier roots.

As time went by I didn't notice my daily lunches switching from burgers to healthier options. They just were. I hardly noticed when I began drinking smoothies blended green, and filled with things I would have rather left alone. They became enjoyable. I actually forgot about fast food. I lost my cravings and each time they snuck upon me, I thought of the progress I had made and the confidence I had gained was enough to push aside any craving and opt for something better than pulverized rats disguised as beef.  

What was going on? How had these changes come about? Spending time around so many people dedicated to themselves and their cultivation of their temple made me want to follow suit. I was inspired and amazed. These life changes were so simple, yet so monumental that I found it astounding I hadn't even noticed it was happening! But, me being me, felt tricked, and stomped my foot. How had I been duped into leaving my boyfriend Ronald? This tricky practice of Yoga snuck in and stole me right from under my nose! I felt a sense of sadness in the loss of another part of me, but I rejoiced silently that I felt no remorse in break-up of my red headed manipulative boyfriend. He had done no good for me, and only left me craving more and more. 

Here was a new love. A fresh love. One that made me feel empowered and beautiful
I feel the need to warm people who are so innocently joining yoga classes. It's not just an exercise routine- it will change you. 

It will enter your body in ways you did not expect and you will find pieces of yourself that have been waiting to emerge since you were a child. You will awaken yourself completely, and once you do you won't want to return to the life you once had. I'm going to stay stubborn- just because I say so. But I hereby allow yoga to continue to transform me in whatever way it wishes. Because I love the person I have become through-out this journey and I am so proud of the people I have come to meet while experiencing this latest chapter in my life! 

What a beautiful journey I am on!
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