It's 5 am and I have been restlessly fighting my mind for hours. The days activities busy me enough to hide from my thoughts but once I lie down my mind erupts with insecurities and fear. I hate this new pattern I have picked up. I can see the reflections of my inner self in everything around me now. I can't help but chuckle as I also notice the mindless job I do to cover it all up.
You know how 'they' say your home is the biggest mirror of yourself? Mine is spot on. Toys litter the floor and food sits around on the table all day, until I remember to pick it up after forgetting about it because someone knocked a lamp down, or there is a portrait being formed on my living room wall, or the baby needs to eat, or someone needs to be changed (you know the list and it goes on forever). During the day both my home and mind are frazzled. And I relish in the distraction it brings to my heart. At night I primp every noticeable area back to the pristine condition it was before the kids woke that morning. Some have even gushed over how effortlessly I seem to have kept things in order. This is not the case. In either my home or body. Open a door, look in a cabinet, check under my bed. That's where all the dirty secrets are hidden. I can hardly keep myself together, let alone an entire house and three kids. My mind is the same, even more so, my heart.
It feels easier now to spew sugar coated answers to those who ask how I am coping with this change in my life. I almost don't even notice myself responding to their probing curiosity anymore. My mouth moves methodically, the lines kept in a neatly organized mental folder, ready to repeat themselves over and over. While my head is elsewhere I tell them all about how much I can do alone. How much simpler life is by myself with three small children. This is mostly the case, I stand absolutely firm in my decision. However, I am still finding new pockets of grief as each day passes. There is anger brewing so deeply that it scares me to fully recognize it. I feel wasted, used, and worn out. Occasionally, if I allow myself to, I stew in the "what-ifs", they drive me insane, the fill me with doubt and frustration. I live so deeply in my past that I never fully take hold of the precious NOW moments I boast about so often. I hear myself chastising every little thought I have, "You know better than this. These are not your beliefs."
In time this anger and pain with diminish and I will stand fully aware f just how much I have accomplished. And despite how I feel now, I know how far I have come already. When I truly stop and give myself the credit I deserve, I am so amazed with myself. I never thought I would be here, I never thought I could make it on my own. I have. It's been almost 3 months and here I am with a stronger sense of self and an even more determined state of mind. I know I can do this, I know I can manage. I need to have patience with my mind and understand that these thoughts are a natural process. No one leaves a safe environment for the unknown without brief periods of remorse for what they once had.
But this is the key, what I keep reminding myself...
Safe isn't always best.