It's 2pm on a Wednesday and I already feel as if I am clawing my way out of a pit.
A "to-do" list from two weeks ago looms beside me. I added "shower" somewhere on it, just so I would have something to cross off. "Nap' was not on there this morning but it is now, and it has also been crossed off. The tantrums have occurred for the day- should I write that down and cross it off as well?
I have readings to record, I have to be 'inspiriting'. Where the hell am I supposed to hunt down the inspiration people seek when I could hardly climb out of bed lately?
I've been sick for months with inconclusive doctors tests and the complete switch and inevitable dropping of all of my mental health medications. My body is tense, I feel like my muscles are an elastic band stretched so far that the dry rubber is close to snapping. Sometimes the corners of my mouth twitch as I close my eyes and speak to myself before speaking to my own children. Some days I have to pretend to care what people have to say to me. Every time that happens I hate myself for it. I feel like a complete asshole. But during the down times I need my space, and I have no qualms with articulating that, it is what it is and I have never lost the people who love me most during the darker times.
I am lucky. I am loved. I don't feel deserving of it at times.
I have a check list constantly running through my head:
Does this sound kind?
Is this an age appropriate response?
Do they actually deserve this time out?
What action can I take to change both of our moods at this very moment?
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
TO DO:
Dishes
Sweep/Mop floors
Record your readings for clients
Grocery Shopping
{Don't lose your shit for no reason}
This is only today. I won't finish everything, I know I won't. I never do. Who the hell could?
No one. But I sure berate myself when I don't go to bed at night with a sparkling clean home, amazing fancy dinner for the kids, and the scent of bleach lingering so strongly in the air that it is most likely the reason
why the kids and I sleep so well. Why is there so much pressure to clean a house that no one but the kids and I see on a daily basis?
I feel like less of a mother if we aren't gagging from the scent of cleaning products in the air and our stories read. I feel like less of a mother when we have cereal instead of a four course meal that would inevitably end up in the trash because my family hates trying new things. I will feel like less of a mother if I don't turn off the video games and try to enable some sort of family time.
I feel like less of a mother as I type this out and my daughter (happily) plays dolls in the room we just meticulously cleaned together as a team. Why? Because I am not in there staring blankly at her and responding flatly for the seventh time when she asks me the same questions. What is she gaining from my half hearted attempts at parenting? Nothing. She is happy. I am happy. I NEED this time. I need my small break in between my never ending, chastising, list of "You're A Bad Mom If You Don't Do This...."
Nothing feels perfect right now and I would be lying to everyone (and I do, constantly) if I said I was fine. If I said I was handling life like a champ. Quite frankly I am grasping at straws and praying each morning I am good enough for four people. Being good enough for myself simply isn't an option anymore. I have to be good enough for four. It's exhausting. It's back breaking.
For a tarot reader, I'd equate being a single mom to being the living embodiment of the Ten of Wands.
The good news?
The figure in the Ten of Wands is so close to victory. He just doesn't know it.
No comments:
Post a Comment