I am really upset right now.
I knew that since becoming a stay at home mom 2 and a half years ago things would change. But I didn't think my personality would be one of them. I used to really pride myself on being outgoing and bubbly. Today it hit me like a wall of bricks. Being home 24/7 with no car has turned me into the most awkward person ever. I don't know how to interact with people anymore. I don't know what in the world to talk about. Honestly, I have no idea what goes on day to day outside my four walls. I watch the news to try and keep up with the times. I watch it so incase I run into a neighbor on the street or an old friend I can say anything other than, "Hey there, want to know what the color of Phoenix's poop was today?" or "Trace can spell thermonuclear powered elephant backwards." I know reality is that no one cares.
And I don't want to spend all my time talking about my kids. I spend all day with my kids and I love them to death but when I am with friends I don't want to talk about them. I want to branch out from child related topics. I am more than my kids. I am Kelly, my own identity. I long for real conversations, the ability to trade ideas back and forth with someone. Ways to learn new things.
I went to my dear friends baby shower today and felt so uncomfortable. Not only was it virtually impossible to talk to anyone with a baby on my hip and a toddler running this way and that, but I had no idea what to say to anyone. I found myself wracking my brain for topics, and I had nothing in that brain but breastfeeding, cloth diapers, and trying to wrangle Trace away from the glass storage cabinet about to break because of him. It was really upsetting to me. I used to LOVE making new friends (and I still do) and it would come so easily to me. Today I was honestly hyperventilating, I was sweating from stress. I wanted to vomit.I went there to support my best friend and couldn't even focus on her special day. All I could focus on was the fact that my throat was closing.
This isn't me, and I hate how awkward I have become. I was so angry with myself after I left. Why couldn't I just be old Kelly. Old Kelly was fun, and funny. She had things to say to the world.
I drove home hands shaking, tears down my face and my tail between my legs. earlier in the day I was dying to get out of my four walls. Now I was rushing home praying for the sanctuary of the same walls I ran out from earlier in the morning. As much as I say I hate being home all the time, it has gotten to the point where I would rather stay here and be bored then go out into the world and have a complete panic attack trying to remember how to talk to people.
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| 5 months pregnant with Trace |
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| Old Kelly :( |
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| Check out that Sidekick hahaha |
1 comment:
Kelly...wow, once again you've seemed to write out exactly what I'm feeling and whats going on with me. I've been a stay at home mom for 4 years now and my cars been broke down for a year. I used to talk to anyone with confidence now I go to the grocery store and can barely look anyone in the face! I mean I can talk to people if they talk to me first but yeah, what can I possibly come up with to talk about (beside the babies)??? And, where are we suppose to find new friends, the grocery store or the toy department lol? It's nice to know that other people are going through the same things as I am. Oh and did I mention we recently moved over an hour away from our familys and our only friends, double wammy, no car no close friends, hurray... But I love my family so I press on :)
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