I have a few hours to myself today and a "must do" list that is way too long to complete in a the amount of time allotted.
Honestly, I am exhausted- Pixie sleeps like a dream. She wakes 2 or 3 times a night to nurse and instantly falls back to sleep with no issue. But broken sleep and early mornings aren't totally my cup of tea. I know the list running rampant in my mind won't get done at all today. Who am I kidding? Derek's parents took Trace and Phoenix to a fair and Pixie is napping, in a few minutes I will follow her lead.
It's Fall here in Connecticut and a breeze is blowing softly through the windows and I sit here procrastinating on a mission I told myself I would not fail. Working out. I have the clothes on, but lack the motivation. I truly don't want to let myself down so I really need to find the will power. A nap will be so much more rewarding after a quick work out sesh.
I have dreams lately of concocting my own sort of pumpkin cake with a delicious glaze on top. Burning cider scented candles and sitting by a crackling fireplace, and attempting to be cuddly with Derek. I lack the cuddle factor quite a bit ever since kids and now with three- I am screaming for my own space. But cuddles sound nice right about now. Things are hot and cold with that man and I, but I take each day as it comes and continually make it a mission to focus on bettering myself with the hope that it extends farther then myself into melts into my relationship with my husband. Each day brings new emotions, and each day holds uncertainties for my future but I hold onto the faith everything going on in my life is here to teach me something important.
I struggle at the in-laws and I can't put my finger on why exactly. They are amazing and have opened their home up to us without any expectations. The kids run rampant and are spoiled rotten while I am allowed to nap and have help whenever I need it. It's a dream, and I am so lucky. Yet- I continually miss my 'things' and my own space, and the schedule I made for myself and the kids. I haven't been able to get myself into a niche here, and I think it's just because it doesn't feel like my place to do so. Which is ridiculous I know. So I struggle to find things to do that help me feel a sense of familiarity. And it's been tough. I miss mindlessly cleaning my home, roaming from bathroom to bathroom and cleaning my kitchen counters countless times a day 'just for fun' (oh, boy do I have no life ha). Those things brought me comfort, and I think with all the craziness surrounding my marriage I am looking so hard for comfort in the form of familiar. And there isn't much of that for me right now.
I crave this exact time last year so badly.
I truly miss our little red rental home...