Reflection.

" I can't imagine how conflicted you must feel right now, but I do believe that this decision is a wise one. Staying in a marriage that feels "off" is never going to be right. Trust me, I watched my mom struggle for eleven years in her second marriage, and I fully believe that the pain and anguish contributed to her cancer. 
I also want to share one personal bit of information that I may not have told you. About a month before I turned three, my parents separated. I have no memory of my parents being married. However, my dad has always been an incredibly important part of my life. And while it wasn't always easy, my parents always maintained a strong friendship. My parents even Christmas shopped together and we spent Christmas Even night and morning together as a family. 
And 30 years later, guess who traveled 3 hours every other week to take my mom to her chemo appointments? And guess who held her hand with me when my mom took her last breaths? I share this with you, because I want you to know that it is possible for divorced parents to be a family. There were times when they were too hurt to be around each other, and times when they weren't speaking, but when it came to us (their kids) they were always on the same page. And when it truly mattered, they were there for each other."

I spent all day feeling ashamed and nervous at the responses I would receive from not only my family but from strangers when I shared my news. And I felt shame in the fact that I cared what other people thought of my choices. Why? I am not sure. And while I aimlessly paced the house finding mindless distractions to keep my thoughts away from what I had just exposed to the entire world, I wanted nothing more than to take it all back and pretend nothing was wrong. Just I like I have done for so long. But I can't take it back- and thank goodness. I needed to jump first into the fire or else I would forever spend my time dipping my toe into the heat and retracting it, wasting my life treating a continual burn and forever being in pain. 

Derek and I live with the belief that if every action we make comes from pure love and intent then we will surely be allowed into the pretty pearly gates of whatever is next in this infinite experience of life. We live fearlessly and with hope. However, with that being said, we took our marital vows just as seriously as any well meaning follower of Christ would. We said what we meant when we took those vows. And we will continue our vows to each other though they may not be in the same way others might. 

We have so much love for each other that when the recognition came we were not giving the other the love they so desperately craved we wanted nothing more but to give that to the other person. We knew our love was not of the passionate kind that each person should always be allowed to feel in their life. That realization lead us to the conclusion  we would be selfishly denying our partner a beautiful gift deserved by every single human being. I want nothing more than for Derek to find a deep meaningFULL relationship with someone. And I search for that myself as well. Does this mean I feel at peace with the choice, that I will not hurt from the thought I was not the right fit for my husband? Of course not! Every bit of this is so painful. However it has hurt deeply to feel as if some sort of passion has been missing from my life, and that I may never know a love that sustains my entire soul. I cannot allow myself to know this feeling resonates inside not only myself- but my partner as well. It felt so wrong to me. As it did to Derek. 

Where does this leave the two of us? Surprisingly, we both feel more comfortable with our relationship. In separation we find the pieces of our selves that have been missing or forgotten for quite some time, yet keep the good parts we formed as a couple. Our family will not suffer, our family will not lack. In fact we have the highest hopes for a more loving, fulfilling family. There is no doubt the two of us will tighten our bond as friends and partners in the journey of parenting. And this will reflect in the eyes and the hearts of our little babies. 

Where is the shame in this?
 No where. I have no reason to apologize or feel shameful in the act of attempting to better my surroundings. I am not ignorant to the fact most people may find this notion irrational, immature, or just plain nonsensical but it works for Derek and I. And that is all that matters. We are doing everything in our power to give Trace, Phoenix, and Pixie the most loving experience on Earth. We will never stop trying. Here is just another piece to that movement. 

I have received so many emails from you all, and I have to admit I cried while reading each one. Are you aware of how many of you hide your truest feelings and allow your heart to hurt? It broke me. It killed me to know there are so many beautiful people paining while living "the perfect family dream". There is no perfect family, there is only family. 
Family is simple, it signifies pure love to me.
  No matter which form it comes in. 



5 comments:

Cate Tsahalis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cate Tsahalis said...

This is a healthy & honest way to start the new year; sending both you and Derek loving thoughts as you travel this new path.

meg said...

Hi Kelly, I am friends with Adria and found your blog through her because I also live in Connecticut. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are a very strong woman and to do what you know is right for your family is very admirable.

Meg

meg said...

On another note, I nominated you for a Liebster. Here's the link to check it out: http://myborrowedheaven.blogspot.com/2013/01/another-liebster.html

Dana Pellegrino said...

It's really inspiring to see the strength in your words. You're right--there is nothing to be ashamed of! You got this, girl.

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