I Don't Know Where To Begin.

There is something about the silence in this room and the music bringing me slightly to a meltdown that leave me wanting to pour my soul until nothing is left inside of myself to stir over. I have news, and it's painful, and raw, and while I can see a majority shaking their heads in shame at the way I am going about this- I can find no other way. This is the easiest place to say what has to be said. 

For 5 years Derek and I have built a family together, nurturing and loving the small angels we brought into the world together. Comforting, loving, cherishing, and bonding with them in every way. So much so we left no time for each other. And for 5 years we have silently recognized that rushing into certain arrangements to fit the "norm" of society may have been a choice we should have spent more time mulling over. But we didn't. We wanted nothing but the best for the tiny people we are here to help on their journeys in life. So we did what most thought honorable and "right". Because we wanted it to be right. For years we tried to fit into each others mold, make our personalities blend just enough to keep ourselves happy in a relationship that always felt slightly off. 

While we hold nothing but love and respect for each other in the partnership we have formed- something just hasn't felt complete. The hours spent crying in the dark discussing this topic over and over behind closed doors has left us exhausted, and every effort has been made to give the other what they needed. Our efforts have not been in vain, we know we have done everything in our power to make this beautiful marriage between two friends into a marriage of two lovers. However for us, it just isn't fair to continue on a path we know will always leave us craving something more. So we have decided to separate and find our own way while continuing the formation of the beautiful family we have together. There is absolutely no doubt in our minds that we can still be perfect for our children and that we don't need labels on our relationship to give our children what every other household brings to its children.

Derek and I have the utmost care for each other and nothing but determination to always hold the other up when one is down, we are the best team. Our hopes and expectations for the future exceed anything we can imagine in our sorrowful hearts right now. There is pain, and honestly I don't think I have allowed myself to do anything but forge forward in a falsified shell of strength. In time this pretend feeling of new found exuberance and confidence will be a true reflection of myself. But for now I need to give myself anything I can to hold on for my small babies. While the acknowledgement and inevitable moves toward a single parent lifestyle feels relieving in some sense, it also leaves me feeling more alone than ever. And to use the word 'failure' to describe this situation does not begin to give my inner feelings justice. Time will heal my fears and the unknown will soon look a little lighter, but for now it's pitch black and terrifying. 
Derek moves to a new home this weekend, and our arrangements for the kids are as open as we can make them. We want things to stay the same as possible for them and the two of us leave on a note of gratitude and love for who we are as individuals and two people loving the children they have made together. 

And to my family- please forgive me for hiding behind a screen to announce something so hurtful. I haven't found any way to face the people I love the most with news like this. I am sorry for taking the cowardly way out but this is my best form of expression. 
I love you all so much.


Toby O'B said...

All the best, Li'l Cuz. I don't know what I could do to help, but at least you have my support and best wishes......

ali said...

I don't know you, but I recently found and caught up on your blog. It sounds like you're as much at peace with the new direction in your life as on can be. Only you know what's best for your family. Wishing you the best!

That Hippie Chick said...

I've followed your blog, Facebook, and instagram for awhile now. Through out my marriage, pregnancy, and life with my toddler. I always felt I could relate to you with my anxiety, my life, and my stature (I'm a tiny mom as well). Reading this today, you sound so at peace with your decision, but I can't help feeling sad. I want to apologize for you situation, I want things to be different for you. This is your life and I simply read about it, but I feel like a friend as I am sure many others do too. I hope that you find whatever it is you need most and hold those little ones close. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

HelloKelly said...

Thank you guys for your love and kind words. They will always be an uplifting source for me. And I appreciate that more than you can know. Life will move forward and continue and I will grow stronger each step. This I am sure.
And Hippie Chick- I have to apologize to YOU, if you follow not only my blog and facebook, then instagram must send you over the edge haha! I post SOOO much. So thanks for taking my continual photo bombs hehe ;)

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