If I get through writing this without crying I will be impressed with myself.
This past week has been so bad for me. I am aware of the fact that being in an empty apartment with two small kids makes for a bad situation to begin with but I am having a terribly tough time waiting for the move. I feel like I keep putting all my eggs in one basket hoping that this new place will make all the difference in the loneliness and seclusion I am feeling. But to be honest I know it won't. Sure I will have a big back yard and my kids can play to their hearts content, sure the people who stomp upstairs and keep my two year old up all night won't be there anymore, but moving is not going to change the fact I don't have a car to go places with the kids and we will still be on our own island.
I am so very lonely lately. I spend my days doing the same exact thing over and over.
Beg kid to eat food for 45 minutes
Throw food out.
Sit around with nothing to do in an empty space.
Beg kid to eat food for 45 minutes
Throw food out.
You get what I mean.... The monotony of it is driving me mad. I don't have many chances to leave the kids and go anywhere. Heading to Target once a week, or McDonald's drive-thru is like a treat for me. I know I say the same things over and over, and I am sorry for that. But I feel like if I didn't mention it to someone I would explode.
Trace has been killing me lately with his repetitiveness. He literally says the same sentence for an hour at a time. I hate having to ignore my son when he is talking and I always make the biggest effort to acknowledge him when he speaks but after the 19th time he says something and does not acknowledge that I have understood what he said, I have to shut my mind off or else I would scream. And it would be directed at him in a negative way. And I never want to yell at him for something as simple as repeating a sentence. However I am starting to question if his continual repeating is normal. I know most toddlers do this but he seems to take it a step farther.
For example: His new favorite show has been BusyTown Mysteries. There is a cat named Sally on the show, he has taken to calling himself Sally. So ALL day yesterday not only did he refer to himself as Sally but when I asked him what Sally would like to eat for lunch he replied with, "Sally eats cat food." It was not a simple answer. It triggered something in him and he continued to repeat that sentence over and over. And over. For an hour. Saying nothing but "Sally eat cat food" no matter how many times I repeated it back, asked different questions, brought up different topics, all he would say was that one thing. Derek eventually got home and I left to go get something at my sisters house and when I got back he looked completely overwhelmed. I asked him what was wrong and he pulled out his phone. He played me a recording that lasted for minutes on end. It was Derek going about his after work business of getting changed into pajamas and such, and the entire time Trace was in the background saying, "Sally eat cat food. Sally eat cat food."
He was home for only two hours before he was exasperated and ready to get out to clear his head. And I do not blame him one bit. It is mentally draining. Absolutely maddening to listen to all day. Especially when I am alone and have no one to laugh it off to. I am so drained and on edge lately. I wish there was a simple answer. I know I annoy the people I vent to because I never accept the ideas they have. Get a part time job, go on girl dates, drive to Starbucks etc... It all seems so easy but it isn't. I can't go anywhere without nursing a baby, I can't go out at night because baby needs me to go to bed, I can't get a part time job because it means Derek and I would never have time together. And I need my time with him for my own sanity. I miss my husband, he works 13-14 hour shifts a day and I miss him so much. We are so off lately, not in the fighting all the time way but we just have nothing to talk about anymore it seems. By the end of the night I am so shot from childcare and having no space, that I would rather hide away on the opposite end of the couch and breathe a little then cuddle up and be confined. I feel bad for Derek, I know I am so distant and he takes a hit for that fact. I hope things can really get back to the way they used to be. We work so well together, we never fight, we always laugh, we are such a good parenting team. But I want more than a team mate. I want a loving partner. And we are so distracted by life that this suffers dramatically. All of this and I am only 24...
I don't know, there is no clear cut answer, staying home to raise the kids is such a lonely job. It eats at me some times. And I hate that feeling. I made a promise to myself that once things are settled in the new place I would start a schooling schedule with the babies. I need stability and schedules just as much as them. I will print out lesson plans, and read more stories, and we will have our own little classroom. Anything to pass the time until daddy comes home. I'm at a loss guys, I truly feel like I am on a secluded island. And I choke back tears a lot lately. Not having people to converse with days at a time is tough. And it is even more tough when people come visit and I realize I still have nothing to converse about.
I know with time things will get better, I know my nerves will calm as the happiness of my own home sets in. I know a routine will fix all the chaos but right now I am struggling to keep myself balanced. Especially since I have stopped all my medications since becoming pregnant with Phoenix. I am no longer depressed (contrary to how this posting sounds lol) and my anxiety is managed with a few herbal supplements. But I will admit that once I am done nursing I do think I need to get back on some anxiety meds.
This is all one big tidal wave of energy and I know it will pass, I just need to push through.