* Deep Breath.... *
I started this blog as a way to showcase the wonderful times I have at home with my family. I started it as a way to express the emotions I have on this roller coaster of a ride as a stay at home mother. And I have always been honest and truthful about my feelings, the good and the bad. There have been posts that made me laugh looking back at them. There have been ones that made me feel more empowered as a mother, and there have been some where I have spilled the beans on my pure exhaustion of raising two little ones 24/7 without many breaks.
If I have always been honest, I am going to continue to do so right now. I don't want to bury my head in the sand and quit blogging daily because what I have to say isn't the most positive or fun to read. If you don't want the ugly side of mothering, then don't read this. I don't care. I will document my experiences for myself as well as for others who may be feeling the same.
This has been one of the roughest weeks for me since becoming a mother in 2009. I am at a low point. I have drained myself completely and given my all into everything I do for my children, my home, and my husband. I have neglected to maintain myself, despite the warnings from loved ones to do just that. All I could do was laugh when someone said I needed to take a minute to myself, how the hell could I find the time? I am up every two hours with a 1 year old consoling her back to sleep in any way I can. I am awake by 7 to run the ship until 7 at night. In between are continual battles with a rough 2 year old and a clingy baby who wants nothing but to be held. There is breakfast lunch and dinner, most of which go to waste. And by the end of a monotonous battle to get my toddler to eat just one single piece of food I am too tired to eat myself. There are baths and bed time, both of which can take between five to 45 minutes a night.
I have been cooped up in a house for close to three years now, lost a good majority of friends and have been too tired by the end of the night to keep in touch with the ones still sticking around. I have turned into a person afraid to go to stores, afraid to be in social situations. I make plans excitedly with friends for mommy time and then cancel at the last mintue because I am too anxious to leave the safety of leave my house. I have no idea who I am anymore. Celexa has only heightened the issues thus far, and although it is only day 6 and I have to wait at least a month for this to take full effect I am scared of what it is doing to me. I have no emotion, I am sluggish and forgetful, a fog has taken over most of my brain.
I am not used to asking for help.
As a child I took care of myself and my sister and that was that. It was alot of fending for ourselves and I learned at a young age asking for help meant searching out family members and exposing yourself only to be turned down or ignored. So through deeply troubling times my sister and I stuck together like glue and did the best to fend for ourselves. I have grown up doing what I needed to do expecting no one to be there if I needed it. And I have just reason for that belief.
And now here I am, completely at a loss as to what is going on with me, feeling like the biggest failure as a mother, my mind could care less about my children beyond their basic needs as human beings. And that is like a knife in my heart. Luckily I have my amazing mother and father in law. After a long sleepless night, and complete mental break down they came to my rescue yesterday at 7am to watch the kids all day while I got my rest and some space from reality for a little. This is truly a day by day recovery process. And as much as I know I should not feel this way, I am ashamed of the way I am right now.
I don't pretend to be Mrs. Positivity, I really am. I put my all into the positive lifestyle I lead and have changed my life for the better on so many levels in the past few years. To let these dark thoughts creep in frustrates me more then you can imagine. I will do what I have to do just to survive right now. And that includes weaning the baby almost completely, letting her spend the night at her grandparents and letting them deal with the crying mess she will be when she can't have her boobies at night. It kills me, but I know she will be ok and I know she does not need them for nourishment. She will have to find new ways to soothe herself at night, and maybe this is all for the best.
I am putting myself first right now before this issue becomes one that I will need to be hospitalized for, it certainly seems to be headed that way. Again, this is so hard for me to admit. I hate writing this but I am going to continue to expose myself if this is any way for me to heal. Forget judgeement. I may be a mother. But I am also a human. One who has been through quite a big during her short 24 years on earth and I continue to battle my past while building my future. Some things have been squashed for good, and other things have risen to the surface at unexpected times. I will deal with each issue as they come. But I know that soon I will be back to my old self- loving life and all the beauty it brings.
I thank everyone for their support. It is still such a foreign thing to me to have people behind me pulling me up as I feel like I am sinking in quicksand. I am so used to the role of caretaker and support system, now that the roles are reversed I almost want to hide from it.
I am sorry to those I have been keeping at a distance, I love you more than life.
I will be back to cram the wonders of cloth diapering and breastfeeding down your throat. Even if I have to stop nursing :(
Through the darkness of my week I have found happiness in the tiniest of two people.
Regardless of the way I feel right now, I am so blessed to have the life I do and honored that these two angels chose me to be their mommy. They knew before they came to Earth that there would be rough patches among the amazing times.
They came to love me for exactly who I am.
The good, the bad and sometimes ugly.