Ah! I am so happy right now! My amazing talented friend Bekah put some love and care into redoing my layout for me. You can tell the difference between her knowledge of all things HTML (is that what people still use now?) and my obvious lack thereof. I love the freshness of it! As usual Bekah, you always find ways to help me de-clutter a little- even miles away. I love you for that!
While I am still trying to figure out the whole blogging business as a whole, she set me up with Passionfruit to get some ads rolling in. I am totally new to all of this so for now if you want to trade some ad space let me know and we can do it for free!
In other news- I have been obsessing over the fact that I have so far to go in this pregnancy before I meet this tiny angel. Something is so different about this pregnancy compared to the last two. Set aside the obvious ailments and reoccurring emergency room trips and I am left with an eagerness to meet the soul growing inside of me that trumps my prior two pregnancies by far. Don't get me wrong, of course I agonized over the birth of both Trace and Phoenix, but this is what surprises me about the whole situation. What makes this baby any more exciting then the last two pregnancies? Perhaps it's just the struggle of getting to this point and the slight fear I could still lose this precious surprise inside of me. I do know while I was pregnant with Phoenix I was very much engulfed in the day to day life of caring for Trace. I recognize now that while she was growing inside of me we did not spend much time bonding. This time around my little Pixie makes herself known continually and I can tell already that she adores the every day sounds of her brother and sister playing. While Fifi did alot of lounging in the womb leaving me time to forget I was even pregnant, Pixie keeps herself known. Is this a sign of things to come?
I also got to thinking about my parenting style from the start of my mothering journey in '09 and the progression I have made to now. I admit (as most new moms probably would) my parenting has evolved dramatically and I have thrown aside the typical advice you hear now-a-days. I practiced cry-it-out with Trace, I felt the need to toughen him up faster then any baby ever needed to be. I didn't want to spoil him, so I carried him less then I did Phoenix. I made transitions with him quicker then I felt comfortable with but did so at the advice of more experienced parents or doctors. I pumped him with vaccines and learned from the negative experiences of his reactions that it felt wrong to me.This time around, just as with Fifi, I will be selective in my vaccination choices. It's what feels right in my heart. On top of that, I quit breastfeeding as soon as I became frustrated. Pumping just as quickly. None of this made me feel good, yet it was so common I didn't really think anything of it. Until I became pregnant with Phoenix and had become friends with a gentler set of moms. One of whom I will rave again about is my sweet friend, Bekah. She changed my view on so many things that I cannot begin to thank her for her eye opening, lovingly pushy ways. Without it I would still be as stubborn and naive as I had started out.
This time around I know exactly who I am as a person and mother. I am confident in the gentle and less rigid ways of parenting my children. I will breastfeed, I will co-sleep, I will stay up all night rocking an inconsolable baby, I will do everything possible to love each and every one of my children in a way that promotes a feeling of safety and security in them. I want so greatly for my children to grow emotionally sound and confident within themselves and in our family unit.
While I will always feel a tinge of guilt that my sweet, kind son did not receive the same parenting that my Pixie will- I know I can do right by him now. I did everything for him with the utmost of love and compassion in my heart that I held at that time. And as soon as I realized my mistakes and changed, I had made the change in him as well. I guess that's what parenting is all about anyways. Recognizing your mistakes and doing something to work on them, or change them altogether.
I love my babies to the ends of the earth and perhaps this third time around I am past the fear of sibling rivalry or having someone feel left out. I know each child comes with their own piece to our puzzle and the latest addition will fit right in. My confidence in myself is through the roof and I am so ready to take on the next round of sleepless nights and cuddles with a newborn.