I keep waiting for the perfect moment to blog- it never comes. Days pass and I end up doing the same thing I did the day before. I am sure you can only imagine. Dishes, diapers, dinner. Some days are spent tearing my hair out and admittedly crying, while others are filled to the brim with love and cuddles on the couch. There is no perfect time or perfect way (or topic) to write and I realize that- once laying in bed spewing pages of things I could say but didn't. So I won't wait for the perfect moment or outing to express what my heart feels at the moment.
Currently I feel like I am riding in a wooden boat lost at sea between two shores. Both just in sight but so far from me. No matter how hard I paddle- I have to change someone's diaper first (heh heh I laughed at that joke). My heart is beating out of my chest with the promise of new chapters and adventures, yet getting them started means leaving the home. A place I have been glued to for almost 5 years now. And that is tougher then I thought it would be. I push myself, every single day, I force myself to broaden my horizons and reach out of my comfort zone. And it has been working! A light fills my eyes again, and a fire is slowly burning in my heart with pride that I am finding myself.
Truly finding myself.
The personal assistant job has been doing wonders for my soul. Simply having something to do outside of the home feels enlivening. I have made new friendships, gotten some healing done, and spread my wings a little more. It gives me a sense of purpose I felt was lacking. No doubt I love my kids beyond words but every person needs something to call their own. And now I have something for me and I smile just typing that.
Home life is so very different now, and I have accepted the space between Derek and I. If it stays that way it's ok. I am going with the flow of every moment of my life. I have been worrying less and focusing more on what I need to do to grow internally and find the pieces of me that I have been searching for since childhood. It feels amazing and liberating. I can't say enough how thankful I am to have time at home to work on myself while helping my children grow. I have to give Derek so much credit and thanks for that beautiful gift.
I won't lie, I wish I could say my loneliness has faded, even slightly. But my heart still bleeds for a happier outcome with certain areas in my life. Therapy has been helping to get me in a place of loving myself before anyone else. I still have lots of work to do in that department...
I can recall writing almost the same words last year (and maybe even the year before) but this time feels different. This time I believe the change is occurring within myself. I can literally feel it coursing through me. I am so proud of myself- I refuse to let time slip by, I will always always always work on myself to benefit the world around me and the world within me.