I just spent the last hour constructing the longest post filled with words like "failure", "doubt", and "not good enough".
I wrote the entire thing with a chest filled of fear.
And each day, for a fraction of a moment I truly feel those words fit me.
However I deleted that post.
Space by space by space.
I watched the letters disappear and told myself this was not the story I wanted for myself, or for the world to see. This is not the story I want to feel.
I have come too fucking far to directly aim these words like daggers in my direction.
I have come too far to know that there is never an "end" and despite a change in
course-- I will forever be absolutely fine.
Do you know how many times I have switched the direction of my sails? Each time has become so much easier. Each time my faith that that very precise moment, exact situation, exact feeling, was needed.
No matter how scary or painful or hard it had to be.
So for now, I need to feel exactly as I feel. And to be honest, this feeling doesn't feel good at all.
However I refuse to berate myself for feeling poorly about a shift in course. There is nothing wrong with feeling low.
I have ceased to fear the darker times just because I can't see ahead of me for a brief moment in space.
Here's whats changed-- that moment where I stand in the darkness, completely at a loss for which direction to turn because I was dead set on certain path- has gotten shorter.
I instantly make a new plan. I sure as hell cry all over the new map as I draw out the steps I need to take.
But I set a plan.
The world doesn't stop when someone leaves or something terrible happens. The world begins again-- this time differently. With doors that open and welcome you anxiously. Doors that weren't there on your last journey. How insanely magical is that!?
Thank God we have these doors or else we'd be stuck in a hallway of darkness with no exit plan forever.
Or at least until we dug our way out... and that isn't fun either.
I have such great ideas for when I step through your threshold.