Finding A Balance

Every since becoming a mother 2 years ago I have struggled to find myself in the mix of diapers, bottles, crying, barfing and all around new responsibility. I had always wanted to be a mommy, it was all I ever wanted from such a young age. Mommy was always first and career second. I have finally gotten my dream and I could not be any happier. However, I never knew that in becoming a mother (and maybe is more the stay at home mom aspect of it) I would feel a loss of identity.
I cannot help but consider myself two people now, "Old Kelly" who was spontaneous, fun loving, loud, carefree, careless, hard working, fun. And then "New Kelly" who is tired, worn out, harder working, in love, fulfilled, and bores herself completely. I used to love listening to music, going on random adventures with friends, talking about anything and everything, and actually getting out of pajamas.
Don't get me wrong, I know what I am going through is something I must go through in order to give my kids the most loving, learning, amazing childhood they can have. I would not change being a SAHM for anything. I am so lucky to be given this chance however, some times sitting on the floor doing the same puzzle 17 times in a row begins to drive me insane. I am not the type of mother who can sit and play pretend with her kids all day and feel fulfilled at the end of the day. I love this special learning time, but I also crave more for myself. I want my own identity aside from "mother". I want to be able to say "Yes, I am a mom but I am also an artist, or horseback rider, or the woman who sits in Starbucks reading for hours at a time". Something, anything, besides just "Mom and Caregiver". I deserve this- and the fact that I feel guilty for saying this sucks, I feel like I will be judged for wanting my own life and not feeling fulfilled in just doing my motherly duties.
I found a blog from another mom describing her same problem. It hit home SO well for me. She described the moms that are fulfilled all the time by the time they spend with their children. She described them as being able to “do copious amounts of floor-time” and “they don’t concern themselves much with their own needs”. This is not me. And then she talked about another type of mom, “a mother who is a different creature“. Ah, here I am... finally a description of "Kelly Mommy"
“Then there is a mother who is a different creature. She spends a lot of time pondering her children and their lives. She analyzes her choices. She is not content with having someone else raise them (sometimes, to educate them). She wants to be with her children but she can’t sit through lengthy floor-time. She has many personal needs and sees all the needs of her child. She desperately needs to give expression to other aspects of herself. Alone time is almost always for creativity (in the broadest sense). She is not fulfilled by her mothering role. She is a mindful mother, but she is more. She often struggles with the conflicting aspects.”
I need to find something outside the home for myself, and relish in that time. I need it for my sanity, and internal growth. If I am not happy, then my children will not be happy. If I am not growing, then my children will not as well. I deserve time to myself, time to enjoy myself. My children will not suffer and will not be deprived of anything if mommy spends some time with friends, or goes off for coffee. I need to keep telling myself this and I need to act upon it more.

But for now, Phoenix beckons... time to hide under blankets and nurse my little chubby babe.



Bekah said...


LoveCubed said...

everything about this post is correct. you deserve it and there is not a SINGLE thing wrong with it. your role as a mother is important and you know it and you dont take it for granted and you know you are lucky to be able to home. you should not feel guilty about wanting other things out of life. youre human silly goose!

you know me, i never do things without my kids either, i feel guilty, when you saw me out with Sarah thats the first time i went out without the kids with anyone since the LAST time i went out with sarah like 2 months before that.

jim and i go out MAYBE 5 times a YEAR without the kids and that includes V-Day and anniversaries.

id like to make more time, but i find the hassle to get someone to watch the kids too annoying. my mom takes the kids once or twice a month, but just one at a time, which i LOVE the one on one time with the child left home.

we should get some mommies together, and set a once a week or twice a month or ONCE a month SET time out. when we know husbands/bfs will be home to watch the kids and even just go grab coffee. PICKLE DELI ANYONE????

youre an amazing mommy, wife, friend, human being.

love you.

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