Derek has been home sick for about a week now with a nasty bug. Let's just say he has exhausted both ends quite thoroughly. We had to go to the emergency room to get his fluid level back up due to dehydration. I had to call my mom at 5am to come over and watch the kids while we packed up and headed to the hospital (in a snow storm!). Once we arrived things went pretty smoothly, he had two bags of fluids and got a little rest. I won't lie, I was truly enjoying the peace and quiet of the emergency room at 7am. I honestly could have fallen asleep as well if there was another bed to lay on. Instead I enjoyed the ridiculous chats between two nurses. Both very grumpy and quite rude. One was talking about this psychic she had seen and what the woman said, the other way appalled at her 16 year old daughter discussing sex at home. Uh... are you living under a rock lady? I think that's what most kids that age talk about, sorry.
Anyway- we got home and Derek was bed ridden for a good 4 days while I took care of the little ones. This is no easy task, especially when you know another person who could be helping is in the house. I can't count how many times I so badly wanted to barge in the bedroom and yell "I don't care if you are sick! Calm this crying child! Mommies don't get breaks!" But I love my husband and wanted him well soon, so I bit my tongue and calmed the crying masses on my own.
Now I am battling the kids both being sick. Luckily Derek's parents have Trace and they get the pleasure of cleaning up the puke that is erupting from him. Poor guy I feel so bad for him, he gets so sad when he throws up! "Mommy, help, barf!" And little Phoenix has a cold of her own, luckily it seems to be just a nasty flu of some sorts. I thought breastfeeding was supposed to keep colds at bay, not in this house it hasn't! Needless to say, with all the sickies going around in my house I am sure to get it and come to think of it I would enjoy being sick. Give me 4 days to rest in bed uninterrupted! Psshh.... not gunna happen. :D
This winter is really taking its toll on me. I am so stir crazy in this home 24/7. It is especially hard to spend day and night and day and night in a home. I think I get out of the house about once a week. On that day when I step out my front door and breathe in the fresh air I honestly feel like a fish out of water. Gasping and sucking in the crisp aroma of winter. It is like I have to stock up on real air before another week of indoor activities.
Life would be so much easier with two cars, and I know that is in the future but waiting til then is rough. Being a stay at home mom for me is such a double edged sword. I run out things to do to entertain a 2 year old, and even more so I run out of my "Kelly- spunk" to keep myself going for my kids. I love being able to nurture and care for my children on a constant basis and it is such a blessing I can. However I think I have severely lost myself in the process. It isn't so much depression as it is boredom. I don't feel like me. I feel like a maid, a cook, a cleaning frenzied woman with an unscheduled day to day life. I need structure and balance and I have neither. The same thing over and over is maddening, for not only me but Trace as well. He has so much pent up energy that I feel so sad that I am not doing right by him and getting him out into the world enough. I have heard it all before, "join moms groups", "go out with friends", "play outside", "go for a walk" etc.... most of these ideas are amazing but include a means of transportation.
For me, going out to the mailbox and back is a good and productive day. It is a large effort to get both kids bundled up. To check the mail includes jackets, hats, shoes, my baby wrap, a large overly bundled baby attached to me whilst carrying Trace up the stairs to the apartment front door. If it isn't to check the mail then it IS to go for a walk which includes all the above PLUS a large heavy stroller. It is defeating to even think about doing it all alone, and so most of the time I give up half way through and say "lets go read" instead. Sometimes as I have baby in wrap, kid in one arm, and stroller in the other I am choking back tears while struggling up the flight of stairs fearing not to fall backwards. I am 4'10 and carrying all that is extremely hard! But, I try my damn hardest to get my kids out once in a while, and when I get home I am through the roof with joy because to me that was a huge accomplishment. And then I start thinking about how pathetic it is that going to get the mail is the highlight of my day now. That I look forward to that 3 minute walk outside most of all during the day. This is where I feel lost and saddened. I love my kids endlessly but I love myself as well and I want to be fun again and feel like Kelly, not just mommy. I have said it so many times and right now I know I am supposed to be taking on these struggles. I know things will get better with time and age, but I crave to feel like a part of the "real world" again.
I need more friend time, and dinners out, and movies, and not to shut myself up in the house when the offer arises. I have felt so awkward lately when going out with friends. I have nothing to contribute to conversations any more besides diapers, and the huge fit Trace threw, or how to potty train.
I need a friggin hobby guys....
Here are some pics from the week.
Our trip to Magic Wings in Massachusetts (a beautiful butterfly garden)
Grammy and Phoenix
Fun fact: When I am exhausted my sneaky little lazy eye comes out to ruin pictures for me :)
Laundry cat- It took me thirty minutes to fold the massive mountain of laundry that Muffin was under, and she slept the entire time!
1 comment:
You were always a really good writer and it is definitely coming out in your blog. Maybe on spring break I can come and take you and the kiddies out or maybe if Derek is home, me and you can go out for coffee or lunch or something :)
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