I miss you. I miss you so much. You and I used to be such good friends, you knew me so well. We spent so many amazing nights together. And when I was lucky enough- you would come see me during the day, cuddling me for a few hours before you went on your way. I felt special. I felt amazing after our time together. I could do anything.
My dearest Sleep I am sorry I have abandoned you. I never meant to hurt you this way. I never thought we could ever be apart for so long. 9 and a half months of flirting here and there with your beautiful face. Yet never getting an opportunity for a full uninterrupted night with wrapped in your loving embrace. I spend my waking hours fantasizing about you. Day dreaming of the magic you and I made together. We were so in love. And now you are almost a distant memory. I cling to you, every night I hold you close for an hour or two. Then my tiny new lover awakens from her distant dream land to take you away from me. There are nights I lay awake feeding my little person and I watch you.... I watch you next to me. You leave me, but you don't leave my home. How rude, Sleep. I see you with my husband. I see you with my son. And I see you in the fluttering of my tiny girls eyes as she suckles herself back to comfort and restfulness.
Listen my sweet- I won't lie. When I see you with my husband it makes me hate you. It makes me hate him. I quietly (and probably in the most creepy way) peer at the two of you with such disgust. HOW COULD YOU BOTH DO THIS TO ME? Here I am, awake. TIRED. So so so tired. And you flaunt your nightly rendezvous in front of me. It's borderline inhumane cruelty.
I remember a time when the sun would rise, and you would let me stay in bed for hours. It seems so distant now. I can hardly remember those beautiful moments together. You used to kiss my eyelids gently and so sweetly until I woke.
On MY time.
Now there are new mornings. That gentle kiss upon my face has changed to the sound my bedroom door being thrown open, tiny pitter patter feet across the floor, and an elbow jammed into my ribcage. Other mornings it is a smack in the face by my sons Minnie doll. And other mornings still, it is my daughter lifting her legs as high as she can in the air and crashing them down on her mattress making the loudest sound she can. "MA! Mama! Maaaaaa" she yells angrily for her morning nursing session.
All of this is worth losing you. Mornings when I rise from my coma-like state of sleeplessness I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the day. Oh who am I kidding, I prepare myself to get by at least until nap time. I am sorry to say, Sleep, that I wouldn't go back to you if you asked me to right now. I love my babies. They may not have the most tactful ways to wake a mommy, but boy are they cute in the morning. And if you an I were together right now I would miss my cartoons and breakfast routine. I would miss the comical way my son acts when he first gets up. How could I ever go back to life with only you when I have TWO beautiful faces gracing my life in every moment of the day? I couldn't...
I will get you back eventually. I know I will. In a few months you will teach my baby that you can protect her at night, you will softly lull her back to your arms of peace when she wakes at night looking for the comfort of mommy. You will tell her "All is ok, close your eyes Princess". And in that same moment you will kiss me like you used to, and just as you have lulled my baby down you will do the same to me. And it will be bliss.
That morning I will sleep until the sun rises, and wake at a semi- reasonable hour to no one but my own internal clock.
But while we are separated please know I love you with all of my heart. My body aches for you, and my mid continually finds its way back to the thought of what we once were.
You are truly missed.
With all my love,