Bad thoughts are starting to creep into my mind. 
I am tired.
 So so so very extremely utterly tired. 

So much so that I am honestly stumbling into things and my balance is completely off. 
Phoenix is a horrific sleeper. She cannot sleep on her own. When she does fall asleep the second she wakes she needs someone or something to soothe her back down, she has yet to learn how to self-soothe and my patience (while very strong) is starting to fray. 
The infant waking habits of my almost ten month old are killing me. It isn't healthy for myself, the baby or my husband to be running on such little sleep. And it probably isn't healthy that while walking the garbage outside I smacked into a wall completely oblivious to the fact it was there. Or that I have gone to run into the house from the patio and crashed face first into the screen. The door wasn't open. I had no idea. It probably isn't good that I cannot remember what I had for breakfast and that I lose my cell phone the second I put it down somewhere. My speech has become slurred and confusing at times and my thoughts are the same as well. I forget what I am talking about half way through sentences. It is embarrassing and frustrating. It affects every single thing I do. Sleep deprivation is horrible and I have never had it as bad as I do. 
So again- bad thoughts are creeping in.
Desperate thoughts of letting my little girl cry for a while in her bed. I swore up and down this time around I would not be doing this. It kills me. But I have taken all other avenues and they have led to dead ends. 
I don't know but something big has to change.


Adria said...

Oh honey, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Not long ago my 9 month old was waking every 15 F-ing minutes. Have you heard of the book The No-Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley? I read it and some of her suggestions have helped SO much. Let me know if you need to talk or vent or anything because like I said, I feel you!! Stay strong beautiful lady! <3

Mommyof3 said...

Peyton is almost 16 months old and still wakes up several times a night. Last night was about every hour (evil molars!!!!) I don't think she has ever slept through an entire night. I have tried bed sharing, but neither one of us likes to share our space.

HelloKelly said...

Adria- I bought the book the second after I read your comment! thank you so much for the support. It helps to know I am not the only one going through the worst sleep of her life haha.
Mommyof3- Oh my gosh!! Who am I to complain over ten months?? You are scaring me!! I have noticed Phoenix doesn't like sharing a bed either she kicks and squirms all night, but it is so much easier for ME to feed her haha

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