“Many complain of their memory.
Few of their judgment.”
– Benjamin Franklin
For the past few days I have been doing quite a bit of internal thinking. Mainly about the annoyance I am feeling towards not being able to leave my house out of a fake fear that the walls are closing in on me wherever I go. But also about excuses. I make alot of them. I put myself in situations where I am "stuck" at home.
Half of me wants so badly to go and do things with people I haven't seen in so long and the other half makes it out to be so much more of an effort then it really would be. It's easier for me to stay at home where although I am bored I don't have to push myself to socialize. Or do much of anything but what has become my norm. Take care of the kids, take care of the house, take care of everything but doing something fun for myself. It's easier now. My excuses have turned into little demons and my mind starts reeling with them the second I get an invite from anyone to go out and do something.
These demons have gotten so deep into my mind that my excuses have turned a little nasty. At first it was all me, "I can't go, I have laundry to do." or "I can't go Phoenix needs me". Now it has become everyone else besides myself that is the problem. And that is downright wrong. I have some amazing people surrounding me, people who accept me even during a deep time like the one I am going through currently. I get invites to go to so many places and I have begun to turn around my pathetic excuses on them. I nit pick each person and find faults that don't even exist to push myself away from them. And you know what, to be quite honest, I think I have always been that way. Friends have come and gone in my life since I was in grade school. I always blamed the loss on them. They did something, it was their fault we stopped being friends.
I am most certainly no perfect angel, I am a judgmental jerk. I openly admit it. In the past two years I have made a great conscious effort to accept everyone I meet for who they are, every single facet of their being. This does not stop me from distancing myself from those who would be a negetive force in my life, but it has opened up a world of new friends whom I earlier would not have stuck around to get to know. I love the differences in people, and I love the likeness we share as well.
My personal mission while I battle my own inner demons is to quit the excuses, quit the blaming of others and take a really deep look inside myself. Because there is a lot of work to be done within myself before finding an invisible fault in others. I want to treat those around me the same way I would love the be treated. I am beyond lucky that I have such good friends still sticking around with the distant way I have been acting lately.
I have to work hard on myself, I am wrong in the way I am going about the problems I have been encountering lately.
Starting today no more misplaced judgement.