I Feel Discouraged

Before I start I would like to preface with this:
With that being said. I begin.
Yesterday was bad. All around bad. 
I woke up (I think it was the sleeping pills fault) in a groggy, grumpy haze. The plan was for the family (daddy included on his day off from work) to go out to breakfast then get all of our errands done. Everything started late- and while most people wouldn't have minded being a little late to go out to breakfast I began getting more and more antsy to get out of the house. I am ALWAYS in the house. I am ALWAYS just looking out the window into the "real world" as I tend to call it. So I got snippy. Get showered faster, put clothes on faster, get the kids ready faster, etc... Once I am in a bitchy mood there is no turning back with Derek. If I am bitch in the morning then his entire mood is shot for the day and then in turn our whole day is shot. We got to breakfast and Phoenix refused to eat her food in her high chair. She arched her back so far that she would have slipped right out of the chair and onto the floor if I hadn't been holding her. She pouted, moaned and cried. So of course she got her way and sat on my lap while she enjoyed her warm pancakes and I in turn got to look at my steaming omelet quickly turning into cold mush.

While most days I take this in stride and chalk it up to a mothers duties in life to eat cold food and hold their pouty kid at restaurants as a martyr for those childless folk who pear around the corner rolling their eyes at "the baby who just won't shut up", today I was on edge. And by now it was so bad that my hands were trembling, I was tense inside and I wanted to fling Phoenix at Derek and tell him to deal with her. But I couldn't because he was busy dealing with Trace who by now was covered in syrup, had ruined Derek's new iPhone and was somewhere under the table without either shoe on. My hands shook more, and I think if someone was looking close enough there was steam coming out of my ears.

I shouldn't ever expect any less from two exploratory children out of the house for the first time in a week. All they wanted was the comfort of their parents and the freedom to see what their surroundings were all about- but today was not the day. I needed peace, I need relaxation and I needed a warm breakfast. 
Luckily my best friend Amie and her boyfriend had come with us, by the end of breakfast I was beyond flustered and needed to step outside for some air. I don't know what was wrong with me but every little normal thing was turning into a massive attack on my patience and sanity. I had had enough of kids for a while. I desperatly needed a break. Amie offered to watch them and bring them to the park so Derek and I could get our errands done in *gasp!!* peace and quiet! (Oh how I love my best of best friends)

I had big plans to get a new car, big ol' burning dreams that today was the day we would walk into our Nissan dealership and leave our Cube behind and drive off with two beautiful new Nissan Sentras. I had it all plannedo ut in my mind, I wouldn't back down and I certainly wouldn't take no for an answer. These people were about to hit tornado Kelly (and she was already in fighting mode). Well, it comes to find out that breaking a lease 11 months early doesn't really go over so well- there was another plan. They had a gorgeous used 06 Ford Fusion very close to our price range. Everything seemed perfect. With one problem, we had gone in looking to lower our month car payments and this would higher them about $200. While it may not seem much t some it was just out of our reach. My heart was crushed, I desperately need a sense of freedom. It has been 3 years since  I had a car to call my own, since I have had anything to pack up the monkey's and go anywhere but here.

Not only has it been dramatically affecting me I can see it deeply in Trace. He needs to be out and about, he needs places to run and play and feel free from the confines of our beautiful home. Everyone needs an out.
Derek works close to 15 hours a day, he drives to work 10 minutes there and back and the rest of the time our car just sits in a parking lot. It kills me. While the idea of  taking him too and from work has been brought up numerous times, the reality of getting two kids up and out the door at 5am just isn't feasible. My grumpy babies need all the rest they can get.

After getting home from such a big disappointment I was on complete edge. I did everything I could to keep myself from completely breaking down in tears. I crawled into bed and sobbed until I passed out. I was tired, frustrated, defeated, and felt so caged in with no answer. It hurts my heart every time I think about the fact that right now there just isn't an answer. I need a car to get a job, Derek's schedule just doesn't make time for me to borrow the car and get a job. And I need a car to get the job. It's a vicious cycle. On top of that I have been asking around and no one is hiring.

I am tired, I am tired of thinking of ways to make this work. I am tired of complaining (while I keep most of it to myself because I hate being that person). I am tired of feeling caged, I am tired of feeling like I am not doing enough to flourish my children. A part of me feels like such a failure at this job of motherhood.
So I will write to Santa and ask him for a car, and hope he can bring it to me early.
It's my last hope.
On a better note, I refuse to have the attitude I had yesterday. And after writing down my feelings I refuse to let them haunt me. So I will let go of this and move forward. I will find ways to make my dreams come true.
In the midst of grumpiness I captured some cute moments with my babies.

1 comment:

laviera, photography & people lover said...

After reading a ton of "how to" and "get happy" blogs, I love your boldly honest and bluntly genuine blog. It's like, "behind the scenes of the housemaker" hits reality.

You allow yourself to acknowledge frustration and discouragement which is way beyond the average mommy who pretends to be holding it all together. Until ofcourse...the breakdown.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Theme by: Pish and Posh Designs