Letting Go Of The Undone

I woke up yesterday morning to the usual five am cry of Phoenix ready to come out of her crib and play. I was exhausted from another sleepless night spent going back and forth to the bathroom. I picked her up, brought her back to my room and attempted to get her to go back to sleep for a few hours more. Trace was in his bed on the floor next to me and hadn't woken up yet. I thought I had a good shot at a few more winks of sleep but Fifi decided that singing her "ABC's" in a high pitched tone was the perfect wake up for her brother and mommy. Trace woke up and the two of them began to beg to go watch their morning cartoons. I got up groggy and headed downstairs with them for the morning ritual of diaper changes, potty time, warming a sippy of milk for both of them, and finding which show they could both agree on.

By 7 everyone was going a little batty and I decided to suck up my exhaustion, take a quick shower and head out the door to a walking path down the road from me.

Everything in me said "NO!". I desperately wanted to lay down on the couch and rest my body a while longer. My legs and belly were cramping just getting both kids into their car seats and I still hadn't lifted the heavy stroller into the trunk yet. It was so early in the day and I already wanted to cry from exhaustion and fatigue. Not a good start to my Friday at all, I refused to let the day be this way. So again- I mustered up the energy and pushed forth knowing that a change of scenery and breathing in some fresh air would be just what we all needed.

And I was right. The kids and I took our time walking, we took in every sight and Trace and I had such a nice time talking about what we saw and daily life in general. My body ached and I was so happy he wanted to stop every few minutes to pick weeds and flowers. It made him so happy to talk about all the places he would put his freshly picked flowers once we got home. The living room, his room, the kitchen, on the patio... he wanted to decorate every corner of our home. And the flowers piled up on the tray in the front of Phoenix's stroller.

We spent an hour walking the path, talking to eachother and simply enjoying the outside air. All the while my sweet boy repeated himself, "This is so much fun! What a nice day!" Although my heart was beating out of my chest and I was beginning to feel slight contractions from over working myself, I mostly felt a sense of accomplishment that I pushed myself to get off my butt and do something as simple (for the kids at least) as take a morning stroll. 

Once we got home I was beyond exhausted and the only thing I wanted to do was lay down, badly. But Trace was geared up after his fun outside and the newly walking Phoenix only wanted to use her legs more. So I got them some snacks and let them play a little before nap time. 

The rest of the day was spent pushing off the housework and trying to get myself to go the step further then most days lately. We went outside, blasted some music and watched airplanes streak across the sky.

We laughed, hugged and enjoyed a popsicle on the patio.

Once the day was done I sat down and was left with an odd feeling.
One that really hit me hard, I felt like I didn't do enough for them. I had over exerted myself to the point of mild contractions trying to not feel so guilty about my current parenting while being pregnant. I tried my hardest to give the kids a better day - one filled with less tv and more outdoor activity then we have usually been doing. I had accomplished it, and both kids went to bed happy and exhausted. I too felt happy and proud of the day we spent together.
 Why then did I feel like it was not enough? I have a feeling that no matter how hard I try, how much I do to fill my children's days with love and attention it will never feel enough for me.
I need to work hard on realizing I am doing the very best I can at the moment and let go of the "coulda shoulda woulda's".