Catching Up.

Oh how I have missed blogging! Things have been completely chaotic during this move and I am beyond exhausted. Both mine and the kids rooms are taking forever to get situated back to a place of somewhat normalcy but I need to have patience. I am just so anxious to get back to a place of "normal" day to day living. I feel so up in the air and moving in with the in-laws has been wonderful (for both the kids and I) yet it's hard becoming immersed into someone else's home and not really feeling quite in place yet. 

 I am so grateful for the extra help with the kids though, it has been such a blessing to be able to have some extra hands when I need them. I am purely exhausted from the core of my being. I know a large part of that is the weekly progesterone shots I am receiving to keep this little Miss in my belly until she is ready, but the other half is just pregnancy in general. I do not make a good pregnant woman- I have been whining non-stop and my family has been so lovingly patient with me, though I am sure they are biting their tongues by now. As much as I wish I could play more with the kids- or even hold them more. I just simply feel massive and hot and tired. I want my space from everything so badly. My patience is thin and I am tired of the body I feel trapped in at this point. I am in a ton of pain and I miss being able to jump up at the drop of a hat. Now I need to take a few breaths to ready myself to get off the couch or out of bed. Sigh.

30 weeks!
I have also been feeling incredibly lonely lately.
I know this is our third time around with a baby belly but I just can't help but feel like Derek is not excited at all about this little one. Of course this will all change once he looks into our beautiful daughters eyes and she is actually a physical being he can hold, instead of just a round belly on a complaining nagging wife. But I feel alot less support this pregnancy, and it kind of hurts. I spend so much time looking up baby related topics or items online and obsessively checking my BabyCenter birth group just to feel connected to this pregnancy (not that I really even need to feel any more connected) and I want a partner there to share that interest as well. 
On top of this, I have been doing a bunch of soul searching and realized I need to quit blaming the fact I tell myself I have "no friends" on everyone else. I know I have changed so very much since becoming a mom and my values and personality have evolved far beyond anything I could have imagined for myself at the age of 25. Which I am extremely proud of despite lack of human interaction. I really see now that it isn't the people around me who have changed, it is me who has changed.. I take my job as mother so seriously and in turn I am left completely empty by the end of the day. I choose not to do things with others. When I do have the time (or energy) to do something with someone I feel like I have to choose so wisely what it is we do because I rarely have time to do anything outside of motherhood. Most of the time it doesn't add up to what I deem worth my time. Which sounds completely rude but my desire for rest and relaxation always trumps going out. 
I feel kind of sad that I have changed so much I can hardly relate to those I once spent so much time with. I know this is all normal and each person goes through their own evolution in life- yet I wish mine would have been at a slower pace. 

While I do have quite the bit to catch everyone up on, I am exhausted and ready for bed. I leave you with some pictures of life lately. 

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sonya said...

your belly is just precious!

Amy said...

You are a gorgeous mama, and your little ones are so lucky to have you. Your husband, too.

Pregnancy (especially while in such transition) can be an isolating time in itself. The emotion are so peculiar. It can be very interesting.

Anyhow, I know what you mean about evolution, perhaps feeling far from the person you once were, and while proud, still perhaps, like, everything happened so quickly?

Who you are and what you are doing is so important, as is allowing life to shape you.

Thanks for the update.

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