Shh... Can You Hear It?

It's quiet! 

Trace went with the in-laws to Cape Cod for the weekend and I am lazily enjoying my time with the girls. 'The girls', it still sounds so weird to me...

Pixie is passed out in her bouncy seat and Phoenix is playing every single video on my phone. Over and over. And over. But ya know what? I don't care! It's peaceful and I have a few moments to sip my coffee, eat a hot breakfast and catch up with you all! 

Derek and I are working on getting things packed to move again. Sigh... I am so tired of moving. I can't wait until we are settled in the new place and no longer have to worry about uprooting the kids and ourselves for quite some time. I can't wait to fill our small home with lots of love, home cooked meals, candles and warm fireplace nights. I miss my own sanctuary. 

Derek and I have so much to work on, we have so much healing to do and words to overcome. It's going to take alot of time and patience. We have expressed more to eachother in the past few months then in the entire 5 years of our relationship. Most of which needed to come out, some of which could have been avoided- but it's all on the table. Our pain, stress, dreams, and fears have all been laid out in front of us and the long path back to marital bliss will be ahead of us as soon as we move. Nothing comes easy, and nothing certainly comes without our own share of scrapes and bruises. We needed to learn this lesson to grow not only together but on our own as well. We have always been faithful and loving to eachother and we want to continue to be so, we needed the heart wrenching honesty to unite us. And I have faith it will, in time.

For now we focus our love and dreams on the kids and building a future of family unity for them. In doing so we will begin to repair our future as well. This year has passed so quickly and brought with it a mass amount of surprise. The journey I had envisioned for myself this year has hardly panned out the way I thought it would. But the journey I have been handed has been an amazing one. I have struggled quite a bit and I have gained so much strength and courage. I am so proud of myself. I am so proud of Derek. I am so blessed to share this life path with him. Can I promise it will be forever? I used to be able to, I am not so sure now. But I can promise that our time together has been and will continue to be one of spiritual, emotional, and physical growth. And that's what the heart of a marriage should be, right? While he is the one who makes me want to rip my hair out and run screaming for the hills he is also the same man who gives me the power I need to forge on and never give up hope and confidence. It's all so confusing, I can openly admit that. Taking life one day at a time is something I am so uncomfortable with. Me, being such a planner and schedule-a-holic. Ya know what though? It's another lesson I needed in life. Taking things slow and being mindful of the NOW. 

It's been a beautifully trying year. I am grateful for it. 

This song has been relentlessly playing in my mind lately. 

                                                "The Last Time He Saw Dorie"
                              He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy

She was a wreck, but he loved her
She was a wreck, but so was he
And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say but
"Thank you because you loved me, it's all on me
cause I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay..."

Live, live, live because you love, love, love
And love will make you give, give, give
And give in when you break, break, break
But you just want to fix yourself
Just to break again...