Keeping Your Constant.

I recently came across this article, and it instantly brought me to tears. How amazing that someone had finally found a way to eloquently explain how every woman feels when entering motherhood. Renegade Mama hit the nail on the head, it was the perfect way to explain how I feel inside most days. 

After reading it, I was left pondering the ways I struggle within myself to blend who I used to be with who I am now. It's hopeless in most cases and I know I must succumb to the woman I am now. The mother. The caregiver. The devoted counter cleaner and clothes washer. The, at times, slave to her own dwellings. Even more so, the newly single mother of three small children who can barely figure out which foot to put in front of the other. I am a fumbling mess of nerves and anticipation. 

***

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

I found myself one night, limp on the couch after a long day with the kids, craving adult interaction so badly. I grazed my entire contacts list to find that most people were either busy or uninterested in doing anything remotely close to staying sober on a Friday night and watching last years episodes of whatever I had chosen. I hurt, and felt a sense of rejection that I knew made no sense yet it didn't seem to matter. I sent a text to my closest friend, "Am I boring? I know I am lacking in conversation, I know I am so awkward now around most people. I don't even have anything to say anymore- I am always home. Just be honest, please." 

I knew she would be truthful and I expected her response to be a soft yes with reassurance that my life would one day pick up and I would once again have things in common with 'The Outside World'.  But, surprisingly she retorted with an overwhelming, "No! You are the one I have the most fun around! You aren't boring at ALL, Kelly." And if she meant it or not, I sighed with relief. She was my constant in that moment. The person who truly knew me, and had known me almost all my life. She was exactly what I needed to bring me back to Earth. 

My constants keep me whole. Especially since I have lost almost all of my memory from before having kids. My constants remind me of who I used to be, and simultaneously bring that person out in me when I simply cannot remember how to be her anymore. I was the trouble maker, the loud-mouth, the instigator. The first one to strip naked and run down the street in the rain. The one who was instantly by your side when you needed a shoulder to cry on- even if she hated you. The girl who cared less about who was watching her, and danced to the beat of her own beautiful drum. My constants hold the bits of myself I crave when I am in my lowest points. I am lucky to have so many deeply seeded friends in my garden of growth. 

Without the people who knew you before life as a parent, it's hard to see the path you will take after being a parent. If I did not hold my friends close I would lose myself completely once my children grew up. My gratitude for the the relationships I strive to always keep in my heart, is beyond words. My eyes well with tears when I think of the people who have held me high when I could not do so on my own. My life is simply beautiful because of them. And I could never say THANK YOU enough for the encouragement and love these friends bring me. Weeks, months, and for some of us, years may pass. But my constants are the people I can see after all that time and feel no sense of time lapse. 

I love you incredibly.