I spent some time this morning reflecting on past entries I had written. The ebb and flow of my parental existence has hardly rocked the boat until the past few months. Now, I am pretty sure my tiny vessel is moments away from capsizing, and all I can do is hold on and scoop buckets of water back out to the sea before the next wave crashes in. And oddly enough- I am enjoying the rawness of my current situation. It's hard to explain how one can be filled with such conflicting emotions yet feel more alive than ever because of them. Yet for me it's easy to feel a deep sense of peace when I allow myself to feel everything, instead of carrying about ignoring my inner monologues and the physical repercussions they bring. These constant inner thoughts have their place, and I listen carefully as they play out in my mind. It's my unspoken truth, and I am living that more openly now. With carefree joy.
I no longer have the time to press my opinions onto others, nor do I even care to do so. Living this new life is hard, emotionally, and physically and my reach only goes so far now. Taking care of myself is priority one, so that I may continue to take care of my sweet babies.
There are breaks now from motherhood. Much more than I have experienced since the start of it for me at 21. I am filling my alone time with distractions to keep from thinking about the future of my life as a single parent, I can only handle each day as it comes. It's overwhelming to project any further than that. In time I will be strong enough to manage months in advance I am sure.
I call friends constantly, most likely to an annoying degree. But I am lucky, those closest to me know I have always been a very tenacious (dare I say clingy) friend. They welcome it lovingly and have devoted more of themselves to my happiness than I ever expected. I am humbled by their love and understanding. I am blessed for the nights spent laying my head on someones lap and spewing my stream of consciousness while my dear friends play with my hair and listen quietly. I am blessed for the laughter, the hugs, the texts to make sure I have everything handled ok. The offers to come make me dinner, to help with the kids, to simply sit and be with me. I can admit this whole transition would be so much harder without the affection of loved ones.
And the good is constantly outshining the bad. For years I spent my time dedicated to mending a broken relationship so far gone, I tired myself with never ending effort and left no space for personal evolution. My opportunity at personal growth and realization of self has come. I fill the deeply lonely moments I once had with activities that bring me joy and smiles. The balance between mother and simple human being has felt much more completed lately. My days with the kids are filled with hugs and conversation. They need quite a bit of reassurance that life is ok and they are not alone in these changes. The emotions of insecurity have finally started to rise to the surface, I have much work to do on that front. When consoling them is all I can do to help the matter, it's what I do. For hours. And I love this part so much! We are becoming so close and so loving in our family. And the kids eyes light up the instant they see their daddy. The separation has brought upon more unity.Each parent finding their own way of bonding in a better manner without the other interrupting.
There is so much work to be done. There are bound to be mistakes and pitfalls along the way. I am not naive to the facts of divorce and finding your way alone while raising three small children. Or any amount of children for that matter. It's painfully hard at times, it's tiring and emotionally draining. Some nights if I don't laugh at the spaghetti all over the walls I know I would surely find myself locked in the bathroom.
So I laugh, and I hold my sauce stained kids and remind myself this is all part of the journey.