I have been waiting (months and months) for the perfect opportunity to spew my thoughts to the sound of tapping keys beneath my fingers. Yet, this elusive "perfect" opportunity has yet to surface. You would think by now I would have learned that this will never be the case, that I will always need to make time for things like writing, and that my brain will forever be clogged with 'To-Do lists' and activities of the day.
What has been going on with me? Oh so very much. So much that it is hard for me to even wrap my head around the fact that it is my own life I am living. It's as if the adventures revolving in my world are not my own but the plot of some sort of melodramatic soap opera. I find it more palatable to extract myself from my body and watch from an outsiders point of view. There I am less emotional, highly functional, and better able to take care of the duties piled on my shoulders. As a single mother the world weighs heavy above me. Somehow I have managed to flow through the emotional wreckage of separating from my life partner with ease. Yes, there have been times I have crumpled to a ball of tears and exhaustion on the floor. But the times I have reveled in my inner strength have outweighed my messy moments. I am proud of how far I have come through darkness and unknown.
My divorce will be finalized around October. Meanwhile, Derek and I work tirelessly to provide the most loving environment for the kids. Though we are far from perfecting this co-parenting relationship, things are becoming easier between us. It is going to take quite a bit more time, we have much to work on, and I find my bitterness bubbling below the surface. Biting my tongue is something I must do constantly. After all, there were reasons for where we are now. And if you know me enough, you know that biting my tongue is not something I am skilled at. I must hold back resentments for the good of our children. But through it all, I find myself saying time and time again, it could always be worse. Derek is a good man, just not the man for me. He loves his children, he keeps the roof above our heads, and asks for nothing in return. We are lucky for his hard work. It provides me to time I need to get on my feet. Slowly I have been making my way in this world. Yet denying the fact I am continually terrified of the future would be hiding the biggest truth of my life. I am confused in which direction to go next but I know that forward is the way I must go. Always forward, gritting through the fear, and pushing past my internal battle to give up and hide from everything. Truthfully, it is my children keeping me afloat in this journey. Divorce is a crushing blow to your entire being, if it weren't for them, I would have given up and taken to myself completely. But my life is theirs now, and they deserve every bit of beauty that I can give them.
So again, I push myself forward...
The beauty in single motherhood is the time you get to find yourself again. I have found the Kelly I missed for years. The truest form of myself. I missed her, and I love her so much. I am happier now- fulfilled in my time spent apart from the title of Mother. The breaks are welcomed warmly and without shame or guilt. So when I return to mothering my babies, it comes with pure joy and excitement. I like the parenting plan Derek and I have, both of us get the time needed to recuperate and become better parents.
[Insert awkward silence, bumbling over words, and the first inkling that he regretted his decision in asking me on a date.]
But I didn't stop there....I think I asked every question you shouldn't ask to a person who deals with tough, sad situations daily. I went there, carelessly, and highly intrigued. And then I ate meat in front of him, and then I burped. Why? Because guess what, that's me. I am kind of tacky and brash and if you can't handle that than I don't want to be around you anyways. I had forgotten this person didn't know me very well. The comforts of a long lasting relationship make you do silly things after it is done. You forget guys don't appreciate such undesirable mannerisms from a girl they just met. Needless to say, our few dates were enough for him to realize that he didn't want the Kelly who went 'hiking' in flip-flops and false eyelashes.
Or maybe it was the burping... the jury is out on this one.
The mystery of who I am, beyond the surface of daily life, has unraveled nicely in the last 6 months. I am so happy to have this time alone to dedicate myself to becoming the best possible mother and woman I can be. I feel as if I am living less of a lie and more of my truer form of existence.
There is so much beauty in this life experience.
Love is endless within my heart for these babies.