Fighting Failure

I have to be honest in saying that there is a heavy veil of failure covering everything I do nowadays. 
I could tell myself over and over that leaving a relationship that is not healthy for either party and lacks the crucial element of love, is a justifiable reason for divorce. However my dreams of marrying once, staying committed and following through on all of my vows to honor and cherish have been crushed. There are moments I feel selfish in my choice, after all, my children have repercussions due to my actions as well. Though they see their father regularly, I am sure there is heartache for them as well. A heartache brought on by their parents choices. That thought will always bring upon feelings of guilt. 

Yet, there are my moments of clarity throughout my tattered heart. Moments of complete joy and acceptance of the choice I had made to allow myself the freedom to find my true life partner. I feel it in the times where I am being treated like a woman should be treated. I find peace in my choice when I am being listened to, understood, heard. Where I am being loved, and held, and kissed. And my heart swells with feelings of happiness and joy. It is then, when I finally realize just how much was lacking in my marriage. And just how deeply lonely I felt on the inside. 

Yes, Derek and I surely built a beautiful family together. We worked incredibly hard. And because of that I hold such deep gratitude for our time together. I have learned many lessons that I wouldn't have otherwise. But behind that facade of every day family life. Behind the surface level happiness we shared in paying bills, changing diapers, cooking dinner, watching television, and going to sleep at night. There was hardly any passion or feeling of loving devotion towards each other. It brewed silently for years and we both felt it. That was almost the hardest part. Living with the unspoken knowledge that your husband is not in love with you is a brutally tough pill to swallow. It had to end. How could any one live their life connected to someone who did not feel love for them? We both knew we deserved so much more from our time on Earth. I knew I deserved more. 

So why then, does the stigma of divorce sting so much? Why do I feel the urge to hang my head and lower my voice when I speak of the situation? If my happiness is magnified so intensely now, if my children are happy and smiling and loved, why do I feel as if I have failed? I held such high standards for myself when it came to raising a family and being a loving wife, those standards never swayed but I had expected a better outcome based on my efforts. I hope at some point I will be able to get past the feelings of judgement and inquisitive whispering. For now I will continual to battle my own inner demons on this subject and know that in a years time my view on this will be exceptionally different. After all... I have changed so much from the woman I was just last year. I am every changing, always evolving, and proud of the wings I have sprouted from this journey.

 I know there is beauty yet to be shown to me... and my arms are open to receiving it. 

2 comments: said...

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Anonymous said...

Hang in there. You did the right thing and its tough but worth it. When my mum and dad divorced it was the best thing for our family and your kids will love you for your courage. Trust me.

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