How quickly six months flies by when you are juggling life between motherhood and a newfound sense of Oneness.
To say that this year has made me fearless would be an understatement.
Remember all those times I preached and prayed for my moment of balance? I have found it. And it is glorious, friends. I am whole. My body feels like it bleeds light and passion from the inside. I held my breath, I crossed my fingers, I charged forward into the unknown with nothing but my hope for a better life ahead. What did I find? More than I could have ever imagined. A positive heart, and strong will can take you farther than any dream you fashion.
I set aside the fears I harbored deep inside and signed the papers that would inevitably end a marriage I had hoped would be my one and only. With it went so many of my dreams. It's easier for me to be honest with myself now. Those dreams I held so tightly to were the only things keeping me afloat in that sea of confusion and pain that I shared with Derek. We built our life upon illusion- not for anyone else but ourselves. Our care for our children was never going to be enough to keep us together. But the dreams I stitched of perfect sunny mornings spent quietly sipping coffee while our children played held me together for as long as I needed them to. And I think those fantasies did the same for Derek.
When I signed those dreams away I was left with nothing but darkness ahead of me. I had my moments of absolute despair in the start. The moments every human being has when they part ways with their most familiar aspects of life. I needed so many days to myself to hide beneath blankets and wipe snot from my face. I held nothing back and I was no longer afraid to show that my heart was shattered. I mourned the loss of a life I had always wanted.
As I cried and struggled day to day, I hardly noticed that even though my pain was looming overhead I was also growing stronger. I had to be growing stronger. I woke each morning and cared for my three beautiful children with all the love I held inside of myself for them. Night after night I woke to care for Pixie's cries. No longer did I have someone to nudge awake and ask to help me. It was all on me. And I began to love that.
While I didn't have the night time help, I also didn't have bickering. Gone were the pointless fights, gone was my resentment for how things had turned out, gone was the bitter heart that stung my every thought.
I was alone. Alone with my babies. I loved it.
The day came when Derek and I had to go to court to finalize our divorce. I was terrified, I had never been in a court room before. It was overwhelming and Derek's joking only made things worse for me. We stood in line with many other couples who were going through the same thing as us, waiting for our turn to speak with the judge. Our end was merely minutes away, I was scared. Here in front of me was the end of a chapter. I had already gotten myself firmly grounded on my own, yet the realness of standing in a group of others getting divorced made me feel ashamed and regretful.
We entered the room and the judge began spewing out numerous legal terms that I was clueless about. I nodded my head when spoken to and clasped my hands together in some show of maturity.
In reality I felt like a child again, a child pretending to be something she wasn't.
A wife. A mother. A capable adult.
I could honestly remember wishing my mom was beside me. I didn't want to do this alone.
But I survived.
Derek and I walked out of the room, smiling apprehensively and did the only thing we ever did best- make inappropriate jokes at our own expenses. It was over. We were legally separated. He was his own. I was my own. And we left the courthouse single. Since then we have had our shares of ups and downs. But our commitment to our children and families goes above our own petty issues. We care too deeply for others to be affected by things we couldn't work out between us. We have our bad days, but our good ones outshine those. We co-parent wonderfully and luckily I have been able to keep the family that took me in with more love than I have ever experienced in my life.
I have it all now. Courage, family, unity, hope.
Most importantly, the love of my darling children.
I have been tested. And I have survived. That is what is most crucial. I have absorbed more heartache and crushing pain this year than I have experienced in quite some time. Through it I have kept my heart positive and brimming with the absolute knowledge that I would come out of this experience stronger and by far a better woman. I stand here today the best version of myself. I am completely who I had hoped to become while going through this massive life change. I have achieved a level of beauty within myself that sustains even my lowest moments.
Just writing that alone makes me teary eyed with joy.