I have experienced 11 days of this new year. And as each day passes I have sunk deeper within myself. I feel lost.
I feel hopeful, but absolutely lost.
2013 became my year of self. I had gained quite a bit of realization and independence. Even more I had gained the freedom of a second chance at life. I brushed aside the person I had thought I had wanted to be. Outwardly I was clingy, needy, co-dependant and clueless to a world built for one. Month by month passed and I dutifully made steps to fulfill a divorce. I put almost no thought into the paperwork I filed and the documents I signed. They left me with no sense of emotion. I made my phone calls and arranged for an end of an important time in my life. And once that ending came it took me time to comprehend just how massive the steps I had taken were. I had changed the course of everything and I had changed it all alone. Granted, the support I had behind me was huge and greatly needed. But ultimately I made a decision that led me to a life raising three children, on my own. How had I not stopped to shake in fear over the loss of a life I deemed "perfect". How had I not given myself the chance to mourn a dream I held since I was a child?
The answer was simple-I didn't have the time to mourn. And I certainly didn't have the time to second guess my choices. I was now a single mother, and in order to stay on top of my game I needed to learn to manage my ever flowing range of emotions with a dictatorship rule. Trust in my soul grew stronger as I accomplished each small task I allotted to myself. Somehow deep within I knew I was making the right decision. The resilience of my heart pushed me past the doubts in my mind. Everything in front of me was black and empty. A terrifyingly fresh page had been laid before me and I was having trouble organizing my thoughts past what I would make for dinner. Yet, somehow, I knew I would survive and my children too would evolve within this experience.
As one year closes and another begins, I have amazed myself with how often I have utilized my new found gift of courage. I am so grateful this process has made me stronger. However a new thought has emerged within my frazzled head... I have achieved what I was striving for. I made the change I spent years craving. I grew internally exactly as I had envisioned. In completing one portion of my existence I have emptied myself of the feelings I held within. I now feel hollow. Yes, it's wonderful I now have the opportunity to fill myself to the brim with true love and fulfilling experiences. But it's still a hollowness none the less.
I have to learn to work within these new feelings.
I'll be honest with you- I don't know which path to follow anymore. I know there are doors waiting for the touch of my hand to push them open. I just need to lift this fog.