Yoga Ruined Who I Was.

I'm not ashamed to admit one of my biggest faults:
I'm a pig headed stubborn woman. 
If I don't want to change- you won't be able to make me. No matter what.
And after last year I had felt I had done enough changing to last me an eternity. I was done changing. 
As much as I boast and brag about how I relish the evolution of my life, and I do, I fight just as hard to keep things as normal as possible for my daily routine. Shaking things up is just not my idea of a good time at the moment. I am craving structure and stability and that has meant keeping myself in a stagnant place out of sheer security. Sounds a bit ridiculous and counter productive but hey, like I said, I'm a stubborn gal.

A few months back I began working at a yoga studio to make some extra money to begin to rely on myself a bit more. My mind was business focused and I had no interest in getting into yoga outside of understanding it for work related purposes. I was in mission mode and the directive was certainly not health related. 

That was until I walked into the studio on the first day.
It was from that moment on that my life began a downward spiral into uncontrollable change and evolution. 
Each day I entered and started my morning routine I felt a sense of calm envelope me. I can't tell you if it was the candles that I lit in as many places as I could, or the way the light wood flooring seemed to look so warm and inviting while the sun rose out the window of the studio. But something, each morning, calmed my muscles and eased my frantic breathing. I had begun to smile more. To breathe deeper and with a beautiful sense of newfound purpose. 
 In the first few weeks of working there I would dutifully fulfill my tasks and then run into the kitchen to hide away and eat my McDonalds. Despite the fact I was working in an environment promoting health I told myself I would be damned if I gave up my beloved cheeseburgers. After all, something about them brought me comfort. Ronald McDonald had been the man who never abandoned me when I needed him and I would certainly never do the same to him. 
This was for sure and I knew I would never sway.

As the months went by my  boss asked me to take a few classes here and there so I could get a better understanding of what each teacher stood for...
And she may have thrown in there that I was a completely frazzled mess of a mommy who needed the relaxation as well... But that's not that obvious is it? No...

I took the classes and found myself leaving feeling amazing. Healed, whole, rejuvenated and instantly somehow healthier. I knew it wasn't just me feeling this positively after I left from an hour of bending and stretching not only my body, but my mind as well. I saw the same changes in the men and women who came running through the front doors, yoga mat in hand, in a frenzied state to make it on time. I saw the way their muscles seemed tight, their jaws locked and their minds completely off somewhere else. I witnessed the changes first hand as each class ended. The same lock-jawed distracted students emerged from their practice light and airy. Always smiling and some even glowing with the feeling of rejuvenation. Something was happening here and although I couldn't put my finger on it- I knew I was once again evolving on a level that I could not return from. Yoga was tearing apart who I was and replacing my crumbling structure with stronger bricks and healthier roots.

As time went by I didn't notice my daily lunches switching from burgers to healthier options. They just were. I hardly noticed when I began drinking smoothies blended green, and filled with things I would have rather left alone. They became enjoyable. I actually forgot about fast food. I lost my cravings and each time they snuck upon me, I thought of the progress I had made and the confidence I had gained was enough to push aside any craving and opt for something better than pulverized rats disguised as beef.  

What was going on? How had these changes come about? Spending time around so many people dedicated to themselves and their cultivation of their temple made me want to follow suit. I was inspired and amazed. These life changes were so simple, yet so monumental that I found it astounding I hadn't even noticed it was happening! But, me being me, felt tricked, and stomped my foot. How had I been duped into leaving my boyfriend Ronald? This tricky practice of Yoga snuck in and stole me right from under my nose! I felt a sense of sadness in the loss of another part of me, but I rejoiced silently that I felt no remorse in break-up of my red headed manipulative boyfriend. He had done no good for me, and only left me craving more and more. 

Here was a new love. A fresh love. One that made me feel empowered and beautiful
I feel the need to warm people who are so innocently joining yoga classes. It's not just an exercise routine- it will change you. 

It will enter your body in ways you did not expect and you will find pieces of yourself that have been waiting to emerge since you were a child. You will awaken yourself completely, and once you do you won't want to return to the life you once had. I'm going to stay stubborn- just because I say so. But I hereby allow yoga to continue to transform me in whatever way it wishes. Because I love the person I have become through-out this journey and I am so proud of the people I have come to meet while experiencing this latest chapter in my life! 

What a beautiful journey I am on!

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

What a great post! I can really relate to trying to maintain stability but ending up stagnant even in the midst of other life changes. It's like - life is changing too much, I just want to keep things as "normal" as I can, "until I have time" to focus on something else. I'm realizing lately that there's another way to live and that my internal changes are what I need to better deal with the external changes.

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