I am (surprisingly) up before the kids this morning. A treat I should honor myself with more often. The house is still and my coffee is steaming as it touches my lips. Something that rarely happens when all three are awake and clamoring for my attention, and breakfast.
I have spent the last few weeks in an endless mission to organize my future life plans. Gosh, I should know better by now about projecting myself so far ahead. It usually benefits no one but the spot inside my brain labeled "paranoia". Yet, here I sit, day after day, writing and rewriting my life goals and aspirations.
I have decided to follow through on my dreams of becoming a doula and thanks to the help of a wonderful friend I have found online courses I can take at the pace of my own schedule. This will be a blessing! I am looking forward to the days where I can single handedly hold my family up on stable ground. Financially and emotionally. Little by little I work on myself to complete the ideals I have for the life my children deserve to lead. While I am proud to say that the life they lead now is a gorgeous, satisfying, love-filled existence, I strive for more. And always will.
It has come to my attention, through no one but my own nagging intuition, that I have been holding tight to grudges that have been keeping me incredibly stagnant. If I want to move forward I have to be able to let go of the hurt that wells inside of me. When I think of my past situation I feel an anger begin to brew and my entire body starts to heat up with annoyance. It sticks around all day and lingers in everything I do. I don't want to be that way and I certainly don't want to become a resentful person. So I have been trying to stay mindful of where my thoughts stray. Keeping positive thoughts and intentions behind every single action I make.I want to keep my memories in the past. While I may never understand the motives or reasons behind any individual besides myself, I want to work on forming an unbiased mindset of the past few years. Time heals all wounds, this I know.
So much goes on in my everyday life that if I am not keeping mind of my thoughts I know for sure my mental illness could turn my body on auto-pilot and I would be making zero strides to the existance I am dreaming of for myself and my children.
I am so much more than a 4'10 vessel carrying on about as a human. I am a spiritual and healing entity who knows exactly what she wants for herself, and will stop at nothing to achieve her goals.
Life is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous.