Confessions Of A Stay At Home Mom

I realized the other day that I spend time searching blogs that provide a "real" outlook into the lives of other moms. I feel guilty some times, I feel like there are days I just don't do enough for my kids. I feel get upset with myself if I didn't read them a book, or if the TV was on way too long that day. I kick myself for saying "no" when Trace asks to play and I just want to sit and stop the world for a second...even if it was for the 99th time. I envision stay at home mom's as these non-stop robots who spend their entire waking days focusing entirely on their children, never taking a moment to themselves.
This can't be true- this is why I search around looking for blogs written by mothers who spill the truth of what their daily life looks like. It's hard to find them, you have to skim past the ones who have the time to do it all for their kids and then knit a scarf in their cleverly planned down time. I spent the last 4 days trying manage the time to get to Target for towels. Yep, just towels. I HAVE HAD NO MOMENT YET to even get to the store, let alone knit a scarf or bake the most lavish of foods. 
So I will be real- during the day when I should probably be reading that book to my kids- I take a break. During the time my kids are watching TV- I drink a cup of coffee, and I sit on the computer for a bit.  I sit in my bathroom pretending to be "going potty" after I can't take any more of Trace's whining. I take them out to check the mail, not for them but for the pure fact that if I were in the house any moment longer I would completely explode. 
I get annoyed- I admit it- I get annoyed with my kids.
I am tired, I am up multiple times a night nursing my daughter. She tosses and turns, kicks me in the back, and pulls my hair all night. And then I get up at seven am to a toddler screaming at me and pulling me out of the bed. Daddy doesn't come home until an hour before bed time. 
I'm tired.

  How many times do you have to ask for food and then not eat any of it? 
Why can't you just sit by yourself for two seconds without needing me to hold you?
You pooped AGAIN?!?! I just **&*$#&*@ changed a dirty diaper!
Please stop saying my name, I can't take it one more time!

I admit it all, and I know I shouldn't feel bad for it. Yet I can't help but feel like it makes me a bad mom. 
The more I think about it though, why don't I deserve a few moments through out the day. I play trains, I color, I go back and forth from my sink to the water table out on the patio with buckets of water a million times filling the damn thing for my son to play in. I carry my daughter around with me 95% of the day. We play puzzles and sing songs. We tickle and hug. I smother them in kisses. 
I tell them 'I Love You ' at an annoyingly frequent rate. 
My entire being and soul goes into my children's lives. So much so that Derek caught me off guard when he sweetly remarked, "You love your kids so much Kelly. You dote on them all day and then at night you go right to researching diapers, reading mom blogs, and looking at parenting advice."
He was right I had never even looked at it that way. 

So, ya know what? I don't care that I took a break today.


kimberlyann said...

I signed onto blogger and your post was the first thing onto my dashboard. This is amazing. I love this. You do deserve a break and don't let anyone let you think otherwise and don't feel guilty. You can probably search through all the mommy blogs you can but most of them all you will find are sugar coated. No one is perfect, just remember but you are perfect for your children. And let's face it, just because we are moms now, we are still human.

Adria said...

Thank you. I really needed to read this tonight. <3

Sarah @ said...

I love this.

I think part of the problem with blogs too is that you only see a fraction of what happens. I remember last summer I wrote about the adventures my daughter and I had because the down-time of staying at home breastfeeding and reading books and begging her to nap wasn't super exciting - and a few people commented in a row asking how I managed doing it all.

I was like 'what all?' because my house is never clean, my kid is practically always muddy, I don't always like to play puzzles or read books, and sometimes I take a break by telling her to please for the love of all that is good in this universe PLEASE play in her fort for THREE MINUTES, PLEASE. But I didn't write about that was so ordinary and there wasn't anything to say about it.

Now I try to write about off days and hard times too, but sometimes when I'm reading another blogger who just knitted a scarf and set up an awesome art activity and made sugar from sugar beets (or whatever), and I feel a twinge of jealousy or frustration or guilt, I wonder if maybe the problem is that it's only a part of the story? After all, if they're knitting a scarf, there's something else they don't have time for. Maybe it's something I'm doing and when they read about it, they feel the same way?

Either way, I think it's important to take time to breathe during the day. It makes us better parents. You should never feel guilty about that. I don't always agree to play either.

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