Appreciation Of Life- Or Lack Thereof.

When something does not insist on being noticed, when we aren’t grabbed by the collar or struck on the skull by a presence or an event, we take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.
-Cynthia Ozick 

I woke up this morning and rushed to the bathroom for my morning "hold your pee in as long as you can because you are so tired of waking up 5 times to go to the bathroom" routine, and there was the all too familiar sight of blood. Again. After two weeks of peace from the ever agonizing thoughts of "what will happen now", I was brought back to Earth from my little high. "Here we go again.", I thought, this time with alot less panic. I know better now then go to off the deep end at the sight of blood. My baby has been ok the last (I have lost count by now) several times I have rushed myself into emergency room expecting each time to be the end. I cried a little, pulled up my "big girl panties" in every sense of the word, and went downstairs to call my doctors office. I have a 2:30 appointment to get myself checked out. 

I just woke up from a nap with Trace, it took me so long to fall asleep. I laid next to him admiring his face, his softly fluttering eyelids. I looked at the nape of his neck where I could see his pulse, his tiny loving, gentle heart beating. He was beautiful. He was a miracle. I thought of my daughter, the way her eyes lit a fire in my heart, the way her voice brought a smile to my face even at 3 am when her shrill shrieks for "mama" send the sleeping cats into a running frenzy from their sleep. I imagined the last few years, the every day demands of sustaining the life of two children. I was amazed at how 2 small people depended so deeply for their entire existence on others. And I was so proud of the fact I provided that for them. 

I continued to stare at my small, yet somehow huge son, and realized he was formed molecule by molecule. I could almost see every bit of transformation he made in the womb, right before my eyes. Layers of bone and flesh, growing and changing inside of me. He didn't get here by snapping my fingers, in fact, he grew in such a complex way that I had never truly grasped until this moment.
And that's when it all hit, like a ton of bricks, like the biggest smack in the face. 
I had everything backwards. I was missing the biggest chunk of my pregnancy.
The gratitude for the amazing process of conception, growth, and birth. I had missed it- by a land slide. 

I took it all for granted. 

Until now my pregnancies were so simple. Eat well (or not so much), do what I want, baby grows, attend prenatal appointments, baby is born, move on with life. 

I had such egotistical pride in myself; I remember rubbing my Fifi filled belly with such pride and I felt like such a woman in that moment. I had once again produced another baby. But I left out the pride in Mother Nature, the pride of my body building the life inside of me. I didn't fully comprehend the bit by bit, cell by cell, reality of it all.

 This is why this angel of a baby is making me work and pray for it's arrival. I have had far too many "easy", taken for granted pregnancies. I needed this smack in the face to realize that this process isn't always handed on a silver platter. In fact, it never is. It is beautiful, spiritual, and a damn blessing. At that moment, next to my son, I thanked every single bit of life, of the Heavens, for what I had laying next to me. For what I had soundly sleeping in her crib. For my own life, for the opportunity to be a mother. And especially for the massive lesson a 3 inch being had just given me. 

If in the end, this angel decides to not come to Earth, I will know the biggest gift it has given me was the appreciation I was severly lacking. And if it does make it's way into my arms in September, I will hold that child tighter then any baby yet. I will THANK it for surprising us with it's love. 
I am honored to be going through everything I am experiencing with this pregnancy. I am humbled immensely by what is happening to me. 

I needed this wake up call big time. And I am no longer scared of where I am going, because every part of this is exactly where I am supposed to be. The world works in such magical ways.


Shaina said...

This is beautiful, Kelly. It's truly incredible when you sit and think about what is going on inside your body. I was in awe at my ultrasound last week watching them do all their measurements...I could see all four chambers of this tiny being's heart...I could see the different parts of her brain. This little 9oz, 6in long baby inside me has a BRAIN! It's absolutely miraculous.

You know I'm always thinking of you. Much love!

jessicaclarke said...

Wonderful post, it's funny how much we take for granted everyday and never realize it until something changes. Hope everything turns out well you are in my thoughts.

Amy said...

You are so inspiring. Thanks for sharing your insights, your growth, all of it.

You are in my thoughts.

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