A few days ago a friend of mine posted a status on Facebook expressing his infuriation with the phrase, 'Things happen for a reason'. It in turn was commented on by multiple friends expressing their views as well, mostly negative feelings about the fact that those who use this phrase must have never had something terrible happen to them. They felt that this phrase was either used in ignorance or blind faith.
I was interested by this because I consider myself neither ignorant or faithful to a certain religion. While I may not follow a specific religion, I do find myself quite spiritual. I hold tight to my own personal faith that every action, thought, moment in time holds a very special meaning to the whole existence of my life. Why? Not because a Holy scripture told me to believe this way, not because I practice one form of religious teaching, but simply because I follow my soul. And my soul resonates deeply with this idea.
I am not someone who has lived an easy life. Nothing was handed to me on any sort of platter. My childhood was deeply painful to me, I struggle to cope with the past on almost a daily basis. My mother was a single mother to two kids, and she did whatever was possible to keep food on the table and to keep her own sanity while doing so. My father had alcohol addiction coupled with depression, and was riddled with many other issues. At the age of six my father decided to take his own life and leave not only my sister and I behind, but his beautiful daughter from a previous marriage as well. We each took his passing in different ways.
Time moved forward and I grew older, and with that came things that were too hard for me to grasp. To be quite honest, a large part of my growing up is very unclear to me - I have memory loss for most of it.
As I read the comments to my friends' status, I wondered why I wasn't so filled with anger about the phrase. It seemed to me that according to some, if I had gone through terrible times and loss then I too should believe the world was not to my benefit. But, I felt the exact opposite and badly wanted to say anything to convince these people they were wrong. This of course is in no way my place, however it saddened me to feel such hurt through comments via the internet. Something stung me about the whole thing. Why was I different? What gives people the hope to thrive in such challenging times?
When I was younger, I too was filled with anger for the way I had grown up. For the things I felt I missed out on, for the love I craved so deeply it hurt. I was mad that I didn't have a father while others had theirs. I was mad that our family couldn't afford the vacations and homes that most kids my age were 'lucky' enough to receive. I was mad about so much.
As time went by, I met my husband and my shell began to crack. I held walls up so high and so strong within myself that it has taken me years to break down the majority of them. I protected myself from hurt as much as possible and in doing so I thought I was protecting myself from any further injury to my soul. This was something I knew I couldn't bare.
When Trace arrived into our lives the shell around me disappeared and the family I dreamed of my entire life lay right before my eyes. And I knew exactly how I wanted to raise this family. The total opposite of how I was raised. I knew the love I craved so badly could be showered upon my baby boy and he would never cry himself to sleep with the feeling of abandonment and loss. Because of the way I was raised, the values I instilled in myself would shine through my children. The mother I wanted, the father I wanted, the life I wanted could all be achieved through me. Had I not gone through every piece of what I did I would have never known how to parent. I would have never been as eternally grateful for the family I married into. They were in fact the family I dreamed of. Trace and Phoenix have grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles who clamor over each other to love them. They call, visit, and help any time I am in need. They are loving, devoted, kind people. Something I had never been a part of. And it was something I was so caught off guard by at first that it overwhelmed me.
The lessons of my life were right in front of me. I look to the past now only as a reminder of where I want to be today. I thank my father for the lessons his passing has brought me. I thank my mother for the lessons our life has given me. I thank the Universe for providing me with what little or nothing at times so I may know to appreciate the abundance my life is now filled with. I am not spoiled to the life I lead. And to some it may be measly, to others it may be everything. To me, it is all a lesson, a path I am on guiding me to my ending and providing me with exactly what I need to thrive.
Life does happen for a reason. The good, the hard, the loss, the anger, the happiness and tears. It happens to teach you how to grow as a person, how to take an experience and help another. Or how to expand your horizons. You just have to be willing to accept what is in front of you and work with it. Of course bad things happen, and of course your heart breaks from pain at time. But within pain is strength if you are willing to open up to it.
And I am always open to what comes my way.
This pregnancy has taught me more strength then I could imagine. It has tested my belief system to the core. And I can proudly say I have come out swinging so far. While tomorrow promises me nothing, I know that these months have tested my conviction. Whether I had a miscarriage or a full term baby, it would be a lesson I would need in order to grow wiser in life. And although this pregnancy is far from over, I have grown beyond measure from this experience.
I am grateful for that.
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