I have spent the past few months weeding through relationships that haven't felt right to me.
I honor my feelings first and always. While some may look at that as selfish act, I see it as the most loving act I can do for myself.
Lately the feeling that new doors can only be opened by closing old ones is hitting hard.
My whole life I hid behind my own walls for protection. I barricaded myself from people I thought would harm me without giving them any chance. In retrospect this probably left me without some wonderful experiences in my life. While shutting myself away I shut the world out. The past 4 years have been spent working on building myself to be the person I want to be. The work thus far has been challenging. Working with yourself to bring about internal change can be the biggest battle anyone undertakes. It means accepting help when I know I need it. It means dropping my ego and losing my pride over silly things. But mostly it meant knocking down strongly fastened barriers I had around myself to the outside world.
All of which took therapy and loving guidance from those closest to me.
I began to let people in, and for some time I began to let everyone in. Giving them a chance at friendship, dropping pre-conceived judgments, and working towards a mutual relationship that would better both parties. In doing so I gained friends I wouldn't have "normally" expected. I also gained experiences that caused me to rethink the process I was going about. Occasionally I found myself around people I may have avoided if my radar was on. I felt uncomfortable and worked through it, getting to the root of the cause. Sometimes finding that a certain person brought upon a fresh perspective, benefiting my personal expansion greatly. Other times it brought a realization that they may not be some one I'd like to dedicate my time and heart to.
Through this process I have come to realize the walls I built up were not completely terrible. Maybe this case was not so black and white. You need discretion in your life, the balance in everything is tough to find and I was not wrong for protecting myself from some things. While finding my balance again in friendships I have found strength and courage. Courage I never knew I had. Before my "internal renovation" I quietly withdrew from a situation that did not vibe with me. If I did not like something or someone I ignored them completely and waited until they got the hint. This was not at all kind or fair to do, regardless of the person. Now I open myself to any situation and have found peace within explaining my own thoughts to someone. Whether they be sad or happy thoughts, I am glad I have shared my own feelings and have been honest with those in contact with me.
Although I accept and nurture the dreams of my dearest friends (whether they are dreams we share in common or those which differ from my own) I know when something doesn't click with me.
And I am ok with letting go.
I have chosen to close quite a few doors this year and I am happy to say others have opened for me in turn. New adventures await, new faces have yet to be seen, and I enjoy the journey Life takes me on. My heart is truly at its happiest state. I have so much to be thankful for and so many inspiring people to love.
“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
* Marilyn Monroe*