I have no patience to feign strength right now and I will openly admit when I am being pushed to my limits. I need to write again to get this off my chest before I burst into tears.
I am tired.
I am stressed.
I feel like I am floating out of my body watching myself look hopelessly around our home.
I have never felt this way before- it's weird.
I haven't given myself time to process how quickly we are leaving a place we planned on being for such a long time. I know it will all hit me once we are gone for good, I will have my moment to cry. And I am both eager and anxious for that time. I am a crier, and I have no shame in that. Crying helps me release so much I hold inside of me, and it has always been my biggest outlet of emotion.
While the stress of packing in two weeks and figuring out logistics of our living situation blurs around me I have been making a massive effort to continually work on the way I interact with the kids. And I am so proud of how good I have gotten at keeping myself in the moment and pausing to recognize a situation needing love and affection that may have otherwise just left me yelling at one of the kids. I am seeing past the outbursts and tantrums and finding myself getting right to the root of a problem. I take care to get to the root and not brush off the outward expression of said issue. It has been making this current life change much easier on everyone. Derek notices my patience has increased, that I haven't been so quick to snap or raise my voice. When I do feel the urge to snap I keep my voice stern, soft and business life. This in itself has been helping.
I am making a conscious effort to not become sucked into my emotions and forget that everyone's feelings need to be tended to equally. In taking care of my babies feelings I help myself as well. I have also found that Trace has been more willing to do things on his own if I use a gentle yet stern voice in explaining why something can be done on his own. The matter of fact explanations I give to him leaves him feeling confident and unafraid to try things on his own.
I have been finding my limits, letting myself have a cry when I can, and also keeping the balance of emotion and love in between all the chaos. This will surely benefit me once things calm down after the move.
For now though, I am flustered and feeling very strange through this experience. I know this will be something to look back at and marvel at my strength. I know this lesson is a huge one for me and I am open to what I learn.