While things have gotten easier since coming to live with my in-laws they have also changed so much that I am finding myself feeling a little lost in the moment. As my belly grows and my mood continues to be one of perpetual exhaustion and laziness I am so grateful for my mother in law who has spent so much of her time helping me with the kids. Or more likely picking up the slack that I am leaving in this pregnancy wake. She is the laughter my kids need when I cannot laugh, or the patience I need because mine is wearing thin. Or she is simply a reassuring pat on the back letting me know that no, I am not terrible, she too feels completely overwhelmed by how active my little rugrats can be at times. Which feels amazing.
In some senses I have noticed my exhaustion has been helping me parent in a more peaceful way. I no longer have the energy to continually raise my voice in frustration when something is not getting done, or someone is hitting or throwing. Instead I have been trying to calmly referee a situation and find a simpler out come. Something like taking one child out of the situation and implementing a quiet moment between child and mother. I have found (especially with Trace) that when one of my kids is especially active and destructive they truly may just need a hug or someone to firmly hold them still and let them take a few breaths before moving on about their day. Hugs have replaced yelling, or even talking in some cases. Just hugging has calmed my kids down in heated situations.
Though I am the type of person who will never be fully happy with her success in anything, and I still feel like I am failing my babies by being so pregnant and exhausted- I hope they notice the small changes I am making for their benefit. I promise myself daily that once Pixie arrives and my energy spikes again I will dedicate more time to each of them. I just cannot wait for that moment to be here. I miss myself as I am minus massive belly and I miss my personality more. I can't wait to feel "normal" again.