The Turning Of The Tide

I feel the need to write this out in order to process what is swirling about in my heart. And then I will most likely feel the need to completely erase everything written and sink back inward as a means of protecting myself. However I won't erase this because I know I shouldn't be ashamed of my feelings, or of life's journey, whichever way it takes me in the moment. 
I have been wanting to expel this all for weeks now and have stopped myself every time out of shame, or embarrassment. I am not sure which one I feel right now. But I feel something, and it doesn't feel good at all. Either way expressing sadness for me feels like weakness. And it has taken me years to realize I am functioning on a childhood instinct to hide all emotions and always act like life is peachy-keen even when it may not be. I have grown so far from hiding my emotions and feeling like I am bad for expressing myself and I won't allow childhood demons to stop me from releasing unneeded negative stressors. As a child I was not taught to express myself properly and it has taken me a painstakingly long time to even admit to needing help. Admitting it being one thing, asking for it is still something I find exceedingly hard. But here I am, not looking for anything but a means to express myself. This is huge for me. And I am proud. 
As it stand Derek and I are struggling in finding connection as husband and wife while so many changes blur around us. I miss him terribly and he is coping with the loss of a home we love, moving back in with his parents, a new baby coming, the huge burden and stress of his job, and being the sole provider for our livelihood, in a way I cannot understand or help him with. In the time he has taken to find himself a sense of peace amidst our own chaos, so I have felt so far from him that it seems almost awkward to be in the same room at night when he comes home from work. There is practically no conversation between us and I struggle to find things to even talk about besides the days activities (or lack-thereof) and how miserably pregnant I feel. Both of which he doesn't have patience to hear about after a long day of listening to others whine about their problems to him. And I suppose on one hand I don't blame him, though inside I ache to have him ask me anyway. And he doesn't for the most part, he has never been (or probably ever will be) much of a communicator. Which brings us to another issue in our connection problems lately. Where I am ready to spill my heart at a moments notice he finds it hard to dictate what is going on inside his heart or mind. It frustrates me to no end to pour my every thought and emotion out to him just to receive silence and unanswered questions in return. But this is my husband, and this is the way he has always been. So these past few weeks have been tough on me for many reasons. Mainly however because I miss the bond my husband and I share. I miss the safety of our relationship and the security I feel when things are going smoothly for us. Which is almost always. 
Every marriage has its ups and downs and I am sure this is just the tide going out for a bit and the two of us needing to find ourselves again before reconnecting- but my heart is deeply hurting and I am hoping the tide washes back in soon because I really miss my husband. In his struggle to find his new sense of "normal" he has needed some space from family life. He finds comfort in nights out with good friends or blasting music as loud as possible in the car to clear his head. I find most of my solace in his company, so without him and without conversation between us I am feeling lost and very much alone. It's a confusing time for me and I almost want to admit to feeling a little scared. But again, I know this will pass and every beat of my heart knows we will connect again with some time. Marriage is never going to be easy, especially when a marriage has had so many ups and downs and children from the start. We have survived almost 4 years (this September!) continually re-inventing our family and we have another beautiful angel on the way who will change our dynamics again. After Pixie arrives our new sense of family stability will arise and I find comfort in the idea that the next chapter of our lives can begin and we can peacefully lay to rest the baby-making years for years of new found friendship and family ties. 
All I know is that I love my husband greatly, he is my best friend and I am needing him desperately in these last few weeks of pregnancy. I want our connection back sooner then later so we can face the challenges of three kids three and under together. Whatever comes we are each others rock and anchor. And I will always try my best to be that for him and hope for the same in return. 

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 
"Pooh!" he whispered.  
"Yes, Piglet?"  
 "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 
"I just wanted to be sure of you."  
~A.A. Milne

2 comments:

Hayley said...

Oh, Kelly. This sounds like a very trying time for you. Although we have never owned a house, my husband's parents recently lost theirs. Seeing that has been so hard. We keep telling them "now you have a fresh start." Maybe you could write your husband a letter. Or a short love note. It is a good ice breaker. I believe you are right about Pixie's birth grounding and reconnecting your family. I look forward to that for you. You are so strong! Thank you for sharing so honestly.

Hayley said...

By the way, I LOVE that quote.

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