I am dying to meet this baby!
I am big and sweaty and impatient. Currently I am the farthest I have ever been with any of my pregnancies! Which is something I should be so excited and proud of, yet, I was really expecting to have had Pixie by now. And even though I am only 37 weeks- I just want it to be over with. I am ready to hold my baby and get my body back and have the energy I need to dedicate myself to Trace and Phoenix again. I miss being the best mom I can be for them because right now I am not at all. It kills me. My exhaustion and body feel like such a hindrance to me and I have no patience for myself any more.
I recently started back up on Prozac and for the first time in forever I am beyond grateful that I asked for help when I knew I needed it. After months of crying every single day, feeling completely hopeless in my marriage and absolutely alone, I now feel a new sense of strength. It most certainly isn't all due to the medication as I have grown stronger within myself and the realization of life as it is right now. But, I do notice a sense of lightness that I was missing before starting on the medicine. I am happy. I know things are going to be different from here on out, and maybe they won't be exactly like how I envisioned my path to go, but I am certain and hopeful that I will grow so deeply from the experiences I am having right now. I am getting myself back on my own two feet and learning to be a little more independent. While pregnancy feels like I am being held back, I know I won't be for long. I plan on getting through the first three months with Pixie and loving her every moment of the day, and then I will begin the hunt for a job. For the first time in four years of being a stay at home mom I know I am ready to move forward and make some money (and friends) for myself.
I want an existence of my own outside the realm of motherhood, and it seems my life is certainly pushing me towards that. I am open to whatever beckons me and so happy to be thinking of myself for once. It's been a long time.
. Please have patience with me as I navigate my life. I miss blogging and expressing myself so much yet there has been little time to do anything at all but get through each day. I haven't touched the laptop in almost a month, eek! Forgive me. I hope to get back into the swing of things soon. But don't worry! Once Pixie arrives I will update ASAP!