I am feeling so good a week after having a baby. I feel like myself again, which is something I missed terribly. For the first time in years I am grateful to be on Prozac and grateful for the even tone it sets inside of me. I used to be so bitter about having to take medicines to help me out, but I can see so clearly now that I am being helped and not hindered by a small dose of medication. And I am so glad to not have an internal battle within myself every time I need to take a pill. Now I say a small "Thank You" for the assistance it gives me to see things clearer.
On top of that, my body is back (kind of) and I am able to do the crazy cleaning spree's I have always loved. Oh how I have missed cleaning so much. It is such a soothing experience for me to finish a frenzied cleaning fest and sit down on the couch smelling the fresh scent of cleaner and looking at newly vacuumed floors and carpets. The little things like this (and once again being able to bend over to take clothes out of the drier) are ones that honestly bring me such joy. I adore the every day activities of a stay at home mom and lately- my appreciation for being able to do them without a huge painful belly has sky rocketed.
I am feeling so amazing within and without myself. I don't think I have ever felt this good postpartum. Where I once suffered such bad baby blues, and a large sense of overwhelming exhaustion with my last two kids- I now feel like singing on a roof top. I can attribute most of this to the vast amount of work I have been doing inside of myself. I have been selfish and it feels so good. My mind is fluttering with thoughts of the future and plans for myself. It feels awesome to be thinking of ME and planning things that are special for me. I haven't gotten too far down the rabbit hole but any thought for my own personal future is enough for me. I simply haven't taken the time at all these past few years to do anything but dote on my family and focus on the task of raising my kids.
I now have plans (and tentative dates) for finding a job, saving my own money, helping out at home by paying some bills, getting on my own two feet and feeling like an adult again (or for the first time). I am pumping and stashing away breastmilk with a purpose and each bag I fill is also filled with the hopes and excitement of being able to nourish my sweet baby Pixie while I am working for our family. I want to stand firmily on my own and be able to declare that I don't need to depend on anyone but myself and I want the confidence of not only being super mom but my own version of super woman. My dreams and aspirations are tucked away on a piece of paper that I thoughtfully wrote my future goals down on. Everyday I focus on the love I have for my children and the love I need to have for myself in order to move forward and be unafraid to start my newest chapter. It's all so exciting!
On top of that I am SOOOOO happy to be nursing again, I haven't even realized how much I missed it until I had Pixie snuggled in my arms and sucking away in her sleep. It brings me such happiness and satisfaction. I am loving my life where it is right now- I may not have my own place right now, and Derek and I may not be where we'd like to be in our marriage at the moment, but we are surviving and thriving and all I care about is that I am HAPPY.
I am happy to be me.
I am happy for the life I have.
I am happy for the lessons I am being handed in my time on Earth.
Things are perfect because they just are.