Confessions Of A Stay At Home Mommy

If I get through writing this without crying I will be impressed with myself. 

This past week has been so bad for me. I am aware of the fact that being in an empty apartment with two small kids makes for a bad situation to begin with but I am having a terribly tough time waiting for the move. I feel like I keep putting all my eggs in one basket hoping that this new place will make all the difference in the loneliness and seclusion I am feeling. But to be honest I know it won't. Sure I will have a big back yard and my kids can play to their hearts content, sure the people who stomp upstairs and keep my two year old up all night won't be there anymore, but moving is not going to change the fact I don't have a car to go places with the kids and we will still be on our own island.

 I am so very lonely lately. I spend my days doing the same exact thing over and over. 

 Diaper change. 

Make food.

Beg kid to eat food for 45 minutes

Throw food out. 

Diaper change.

Nap time. 

Sit around with nothing to do in an empty space.

Diaper change.

Make food.

Beg kid to eat food for 45 minutes

Throw food out. 

Diaper change.

You get what I mean.... The monotony of it is driving me mad. I don't have many chances to leave the kids and go anywhere. Heading to Target once a week, or McDonald's drive-thru is like a treat for me. I know I say the same things over and over, and I am sorry for that. But I feel like if I didn't mention it to someone I would explode. 

Trace has been killing me lately with his repetitiveness. He literally says the same sentence for an hour at a time. I hate having to ignore my son when he is talking and I always make the biggest effort to acknowledge him when he speaks but after the 19th time he says something and does not acknowledge that I have understood what he said, I have to shut my mind off or else I would scream. And it would be directed at him in a negative way. And I never want to yell at him for something as simple as repeating a sentence. However I am starting to question if his continual repeating is normal. I know most toddlers do this but he seems to take it a step farther. 

For example: His new favorite show has been BusyTown Mysteries. There is a cat named Sally on the show, he has taken to calling himself Sally. So ALL day yesterday not only did he refer to himself as Sally but when I asked him what Sally would like to eat for lunch he replied with, "Sally eats cat food." It was not a simple answer. It triggered something in him and he continued to repeat that sentence over and over. And over. For an hour. Saying nothing but "Sally eat cat food" no matter how many times I repeated it back, asked different questions, brought up different topics, all he would say was that one thing. Derek eventually got home and I left to go get something at my sisters house and when I got back he looked completely overwhelmed. I asked him what was wrong and he pulled out his phone. He played me a recording that lasted for minutes on end. It was Derek going about his after work business of getting changed into pajamas and such, and the entire time Trace was in the background saying, "Sally eat cat food. Sally eat cat food." 

He was home for only two hours before he was exasperated and ready to get out to clear his head. And I do not blame him one bit. It is mentally draining. Absolutely maddening to listen to all day. Especially when I am alone and have no one to laugh it off to. I am so drained and on edge lately. I wish there was a simple answer. I know I annoy the people I vent to because I never accept the ideas they have. Get a part time job, go on girl dates, drive to Starbucks etc... It all seems so easy but it isn't. I can't go anywhere without nursing a baby, I can't go out at night because baby needs me to go to bed, I can't get a part time job because it means Derek and I would never have time together. And I need my time with him for my own sanity. I miss my husband, he works 13-14 hour shifts a day and I miss him so much. We are so off lately, not in the fighting all the time way but we just have nothing to talk about anymore it seems. By the end of the night I am so shot from childcare and having no space, that I would rather hide away on the opposite end of the couch and breathe a little then cuddle up and be confined. I feel bad for Derek, I know I am so distant and he takes a hit for that fact. I hope things can really get back to the way they used to be. We work so well together, we never fight, we always laugh, we are such a good parenting team. But I want more than a team mate. I want a loving partner. And we are so distracted by life that this suffers dramatically. All of this and I am only 24...

I don't know, there is no clear cut answer, staying home to raise the kids is such a lonely job. It eats at me some times. And I hate that feeling. I made a promise to myself that once things are settled in the new place I would start a schooling schedule with the babies. I need stability and schedules just as much as them. I will print out lesson plans, and read more stories, and we will have our own little classroom. Anything to pass the time until daddy comes home. I'm at a loss guys, I truly feel like I am on a secluded island. And I choke back tears a lot lately. Not having people to converse with days at a time is tough. And it is even more tough when people come visit and I realize I still have nothing to converse about.

I know with time things will get better, I know my nerves will calm as the happiness of my own home sets in. I know a routine will fix all the chaos but right now I am struggling to keep myself balanced. Especially since I have stopped all my medications since becoming pregnant with Phoenix. I am no longer depressed (contrary to how this posting sounds lol) and my anxiety is managed with a few herbal supplements. But I will admit that once I am done nursing I do think I need to get back on some anxiety meds. 

This is all one big tidal wave of energy and I know it will pass, I just need to push through.

Snipits Of My Day

Sitting in the sun.

I never want to stop nursing :(

Happy face fingers

Chalk drawings

It's nice to see pictures of the special moments in my day once the kids go down to bed. Everything is such a haze in the midst of daily duties and even though I snap picture after picture I never really pay attention to how special they are until the night has wound down and I have the calmness to see the beauty in the haze. I was frazzled and lonely today. The starkness of the home has been really getting to me. I crave human interaction a lot lately.

Snipits Of My Day

I just walked around the entire apartment with bright blue painters tape labeling every large item and piece of furniture we own with the name of the room it should go in when we move. 

This way our friends who will be helping us move won't have to ask a million times where each piece goes. 

Sigh...

I am obnoxiously organized with certain things. 

And a slob with others.

Mornings In My Home

I have to say that I really feel like mornings in my home, just the two little munchkins and I- are probably my favorite part of the day. Everyone is messy haired and still a bit groggy. I get diapers changed and clothes on for the day then get the breakfast ready. By this time Trace is insisting over and over he wants something to drink, so I pour him a sippy of milk and pop two waffles into the toaster. Breakfast is usually some sort of spin off the same thing. I have the worlds pickiest toddler mixed with the worlds chunkiest baby.

One hates food and one cannot get enough of it! So Trace gets a banana, a waffle, and a cereal bar. All of which he takes one bite of before it ends up being mashed and played with. It is so frustrating watching him waste all the food he does. All I can think of is that typical remark made by my mom, your mom and all moms before me- "Don't waste your food! There are starving kids around the world who would love that waffle!."  Kid! People are starving and you are throwing out an entire meal!! Meanwhile, Phoenix has almost completely devoured her entire banana, her cereal bar and is finishing off a waffle. And most likely she will be ready to nurse soon after. 

While the munchkins eat their food we sit together watching cartoons. I have to admit one of my faves lately is Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Anyone else find themselves singing all the pirate songs through-out the day? Don't touch the ground because it's hot hot lava..... I love seeing Trace repeat the pirate words, the word of the day today is "Mates". 

This is usually the time where I can sneak on the laptop for a bit and check my Facebook and catch up on some blogs. A little "me" time while everyone is distracted isn't such a bad thing ;)

Hey- just so I am not alone in singing this today check out one of the cutest pirate songs ever. I love these two and their funny facial expressions as they lip sync horribly off time. 

OK.... one more.... one more and then I am done. I am obsessed. 

Inspiration For My Living Room

Ok I am going nuts looking at things for the living room in the new house. I want a vibe of earthy mixed with modern fun. I will most likely end up with such a mishmash of items but who cares.I do know I am so sick of all black yet I can't seem to get away from it!

Here are the couches I have right now

The shape of this table is so awesome!

This Mirror about our couch would add a real colorful touch!

I love these bird paintings!

This would be such an awesome clock for a side table

I am not a huge fan of butterflies but what an awesome conversation piece for your tv stand!

 

Help me find more natural looking pieces, guys! I need help!

P.S. On another note- the kids and I all slept until 10:20 today!!! Are you kidding me??? That is practically sleeping til noon! I feel amazing.

Thankful Thursday

Whatever we think about and thank about we bring about.

-John Demartini

Another week has flown by and I am marking off the days on my calender until the big move! The U-Haul moving truck is set for the 9th of next month and we get the keys this Sunday. I have a feeling I will be doing alot of back and forth driving to the new place with our car before the 9th. I want to get all the small things like pictures and knick -knacks over so our friends don't have to do a ton of work when they help us on moving day.

My thankfuls for this week are mainly about the move- I am just so ready for our next step in life. Waiting around in an empty apartment is somewhat like being a hamster stuck spinning in a wheel. But I know with every great change comes bumps in the road to test you. Derek and i have waited six months for this amazing opportunity and I won't let a few moments of exhaustion and frustration get in the way of our bigger goals in life! 

Today was tiring- the kids were up in our bed all night, it is becoming a terrible habit. However my book The No Cry Sleep Solution, that I ordered off Amazon finally arrived and I am so excited to start some of the tips in the book! I haven't had much time today to read it over but I can tell you that the testimonials alone are making me so excited for a regular sleep filled night!

Tiring as it was thought Derek and I managed to make sure our little ones had a smiling laugh filled day. I was happy to spend so much quality (tv off for once) time with my babies. We made a quick trip to Wal-Mart to run some errands today and Trace got a Mater matchbook car that he was so excited about. He ended up talking to the little car all day, he even fed it some of his lunch! And after that he made it his lunch!

And here was Phoenix bouncing around in her exersaucer as usual, I keep trying to get her used to wearing bows but this one was os big she couldn't help but rip it off every time I put it in.

25 Ways To Talk So Your Children Will Listen

I love being able to strengthen my bond with Trace by way of communication. While some moms are quick to assume their child won't understand what they are saying, therefore the do not explain things in a more detailed manner. I like to do this with my kids as much as possible.  I bend down to my sons level and explain exactly what is happening in that current situation.When he gets punished I explain the reason why he is in time out and ask him to repeat it back to me so I know he understands. With Phoenix being so young I tend to talk more detailed and lengthy to her to get her to understand speech as a whole, not quite to have her understand exactly what I am saying. I would assume this would help broaden her vocabulary for as she gets older. I did this with Trace as a baby and he has such a large vocabulary bank now.  However like I had stated earlier, I have been getting so frazzled by the move that I have been forgetting so often to explain even the little things in life to him. I have become demanding and quick to say "no" to even the smallest of requests from him. Instead of taking a moment to stop myself  and think of the reaons why I am saying no to certain things. If I did that more I would realize that I shouldn't be saying "no" to coloring with my son, or "no" playing peek-a-boo with my daughter more. Those moments are precious and special to my kids and who am I to take that special time away from them because I feel like the computer or television, or phone call, is more important than what they are asking for? what they deem as important should always be what I deem as number one priority.

This is why I love Dr. Sears, I found the little kick in the butt I needed to get back on the path of building a relationship with my children where they trust me and the decisions I make for them. 

Check out this awesome list I found while browsing some articles on Ask Dr. Sears:

A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children. The way you talk to your child teaches him how to talk to others. 

 25 Ways To Talk So Your Children Will Listen:

1. Connect Before You Direct

Before giving your child directions, squat to your child's eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention. Teach him how to focus: "Mary, I need your eyes." "Billy, I need your ears." Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives it as controlling rather than connecting.

2. Address The Child

Open your request with the child's name, "Lauren, will you please..."

3. Stay Brief

We use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a very common mistake when dialoging about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you're not quite sure what it is you want to say. If she can keep you talking she can get you sidetracked.

4. Stay Simple

Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.

5. Ask Your Child to Repeat the Request Back to You

If he can't, it's too long or too complicated.

6. Make an offer the child can't refuse

You can reason with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. "Get dressed so you can go outside and play." Offer a reason for your request that is to the child's advantage, and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move out of her power position and do what you want her to do.

7. Be Positive

Instead of "no running," try: "Inside we walk, outside you may run."

8. Begin your Directives With "I want."

Instead of "Get down," say "I want you to get down." Instead of "Let Becky have a turn," say "I want you to let Becky have a turn now." This works well with children who want to please but don't like being ordered. By saying "I want," you give a reason for compliance rather than just an order.

9. "When...Then."

"When you get your teeth brushed, then we'll begin the story." "When your work is finished, then you can watch TV." "When," which implies that you expect obedience, works better than "if," which suggests that the child has a choice when you don't mean to give him one.

10. Legs First, Mouth Second

Instead of hollering, "Turn off the TV, it's time for dinner!" walk into the room where your child is watching TV, join in with your child's interests for a few minutes, and then, during a commercial break, have your child turn off the TV. Going to your child conveys you're serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this as a mere preference.

11. Give Choices

"Do you want to put your pajamas on or brush your teeth first?" "Red shirt or blue one?"

12. Speak Developmentally Correctly

The younger the child, the shorter and simpler your directives should be. Consider your child's level of understanding. For example, a common error parents make is asking a three-year- old, "Why did you do that?" Most adults can't always answer that question about their behavior. Try instead, "Let's talk about what you did."

13. Speak Socially Correctly

Even a two-year-old can learn "please." Expect your child to be polite. Children shouldn't feel manners are optional. Speak to your children the way you want them to speak to you.

14. Speak Psychologically Correctly

Threats and judgmental openers are likely to put the child on the defensive. "You" messages make a child clam up. "I" messages are non-accusing. Instead of "You'd better do this..." or "You must...," try "I would like...." or "I am so pleased when you..." Instead of "You need to clear the table," say "I need you to clear the table." Don't ask a leading question when a negative answer is not an option. "Will you please pick up your coat?" Just say, "Pick up your coat, please."

15. Write It

Reminders can evolve into nagging so easily, especially for preteens who feel being told things puts them in the slave category. Without saying a word you can communicate anything you need said. Talk with a pad and pencil. Leave humorous notes for your child. Then sit back and watch it happen.

16. Talk The Child Down

The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child ventilate while you interject timely comments: "I understand" or "Can I help?" Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums to deal with. Be the adult for him.

17. Settle The Listener

Before giving your directive, restore emotional equilibrium, otherwise you are wasting your time. Nothing sinks in when a child is an emotional wreck.

18. Replay Your Message

Toddlers need to be told a thousand times. Children under two have difficulty internalizing your directives. Most three- year-olds begin to internalize directives so that what you ask begins to sink in. Do less and less repeating as your child gets older. Preteens regard repetition as nagging.

19. Let Your Child Comlete The Though

 Instead of "Don't leave your mess piled up," try: "Matthew, think of where you want to store your soccer stuff." Letting the child fill in the blanks is more likely to create a lasting lesson. 

20. Use Rhyme Rules

"If you hit, you must sit." Get your child to repeat them.

21. Give Likable Alternatives

You can't go by yourself to the park; but you can play in the neighbor's yard.

22. Give Advance Notice

"We are leaving soon. Say bye-bye to the toys, bye-bye to the girls…"

23. Open Up a Closed Child

Carefully chosen phrases open up closed little minds and mouths. Stick to topics that you know your child gets excited about. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no. Stick to specifics. Instead of "Did you have a good day at school today?" try "What is the most fun thing you did today?"

24. Use "When You…I Feel…Because…"

When you run away from mommy in the store I feel worried because you might get lost.

25. Close The Discussion

If a matter is really closed to discussion, say so. "I'm not changing my mind about this. Sorry." You'll save wear and tear on both you and your child. Reserve your "I mean business" tone of voice for when you do.

Taking A Step Back

There are so many things you take for granted when you are single without kids. There are the big ones everyone talks about, like sleeping in until 10 and  going out whenever you want. Then there are little things, the ones you took for granted so much you never even realized they would become issues in the first place.

Take moving for example- in my case I have been so flustered about getting everything packed up and neatly organized in one room that I have been overlooking how Trace is taking it all. I knew things would be a little rough around here (we have about two weeks left) but I didn't realize how upside down we would all get. In my frenzy I have gotten so much packed up that the walls are bare, we have no plates or silverware, and all the curtains are off the windows. If I had thought it over a little better I would have left Trace's room in tact until the day before. But nope, psycho clean freak had to get it all done in two days. Or else (in my mind) it would never get done at all. So his windows are bare, his walls are bare, his toys are out but in boxes, hiw bookshelf is naked and only three books remain. Worse yet Trace was gone when I did it all and he returned to what was most likely a sad surprise. I havetried explaining time after time where we are going, why we are leaving, and the fact that his things are not gone for good he will see them again real soon. But after a certain point there really isn't much I can say. So he is lost. I can tell that underneath his well behaved exterior he is so confused, and I feel terrible. 

Last night was terrible in our home. He can no longer sleep in his own bed at night because he is afriad, and I don't blame him. Everything is so stark in there and he has no window treatments to hide the light. So after a huge battle- and some screaming on both ends. He ended up in our room in a pack n' play. He was hysterical, screaming louder then I have ever heard him, with snots streaming down his face and eyes bugging out. I lost my cool, I was running on fumes at this point and had been waiting for the kids to go down for hours. I wanted some me time and it was apparent that wasn't happening. Every time Trace woke up and started crying, Phoenix would follow suit shortly after. It was never ending. Derek and I threw our hands in the air and packed both chickens in bed with us at 8pm and watched tv with them until we all passed out. Once everyone had calmed down Derek and I looked at eachother and just sighed. 

Our bed was over taken by kids sprawled out, I had put up a side guard so Phoenix wouldn't fall off the bed, we were exhausted, but it was all so perfect. Here we were, the four of us in our empty bedroom crammed together in bed and snuggled up close. Trace was happy, Fifi was happy, and mommy and daddy were happy. It is going to be a looooong two weeks. I need to take more moments and stop to explain to Trace what is happening in our surroundings. 

I need to stop and take more breaths.

We are going to make it, I just need to take a step outside

of my bubble and realize this moment won't last forever.

Snipits Of My Day

Derek and I made a mission to dedicate the majority of the day to the kids. First Derek, the kids, and I headed to our favorite local breakfast place- New York Pickle Deli.  Then we took them to Bounce U, an awesome building filled with inflatable bounce houses. We invited our good friends to join us and the kids had a blast running around! Ok.... I should clarify considering Phoenix isn't even crawling yet (Grrr). After a few hours we took them to the park. Phoenix sat in the shade with mama while Daddy and Trace ran around in the way too hot sun. We tried our hardest to wear them out as much possible. I'd say it worked well! 

Building  jelly towers

Silly gooses

Trace and his Uncle Casey

Hurricane Simulator

Best Friends

When we got home

Inspiration For Your Day

As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the atomic age) as in being able to remake ourselves. 

-Mohandas K. Gandhi

 

My Day

I left the house in total disarray and spent some quality time with the babes. 

Trace and I did some watercolor painting. And he topped off the fun time by dumping the black disgusting paint water into my fake potted plant.

Phoenix spent a good majority of the day drinking coconut milk from her new sippy cup. I recently tried the ones with a straw instead of a spout and she is so happy to be able to drink now. She loves using her sippy and it is so adorable to watch!

P.s. You wouldn't be able to tell from these photo's but they really did have fun, I promise!

A True Mother In Every Sense Of The Word

I am so proud of the mother I have become in the past few years. However there are (many) things I am doing now the second time around that I had not done with Trace. And I honestly get a little misty eyed thinking about the fact he may have missed out on some good experiences as a baby. I have learned so much since becoming pregnant for the second time and I have opened myself to new ideas I wouldn't budge on the first time. I have had such a wonderful woman and mother to thank for all the natural changes that have come to me. My dear friend Bekah has shown me that breastfeeding isn't all that scary, that you won't spoil (or roll onto) your baby if you sleep with her at night, cloth diapers really aren't as gross as they may seem from outside perspective, and a multitude of other lessons I had ignored for so long. I have her (and the good ol informative internet) to thank for the changes I hold so close to my heart. I feel like a whole new person, and it is refreshing to drop my ignorance of such natural parenting ways and actually embrace it. 

Bekah has always been there to support whatever decisions I have made, and like any true friend would she gently nudged me in the right direction when I needed it. She cheered for me on the sidelines in the early months of nursing a demanding infant, and answered all my diaper questions without as much as a sigh of annoyance. She is a wonderful, patient, kind hearted soul and one I am so blessed to know.

If you are a mommy to be, or even an experienced mama looking for ways to become closer to your kids I recommend you take a look at her wonderfully informative blog. It's a day by day look into the mind of an exceptional mother. She may be young but this chick has 40 year old first time moms beat by a landslide!

 Free Spirited Mama

Confessions Of A Stay At Home Mommy

First off I'd like the preface this by saying what I know I am about to write is irrational. I know a 2 year is not intentionally doing this to hurt my feelings. But, my feelings are still hurt. Because I am an over emotional mommy. 

Trace goes to his grandparents every Thursday night to sleep over for his Friday morning swim lessons. His Nonna takes him so they can have their own special time and because I have no means of transportation to be able to do it on my own. This week however, he spent wed-sat at his grandparents house. I had been babysitting last week and three kids 2 and under was getting to be a little too much for me to handle. Trace loves getting out of the house, he is the happiest kid in the world when he gets to spend time with his Nonna and Poppi. And honestly, he needs to get out more we are always at home never experiencing things outside these walls. It is good for him to get out a bit. 

Trace gets spoiled rotten and plays all day in the pool and in his huge playroom. I am so happy he has such a wonderful relationship with his family. It is so important to me that my children have an amazing bond with not only their parents but with everyone in their family. And luckily for them their family practically fights over them! This is all of course in the sweetest most loving way.

I am straying from the point here, I went to a family party at the in-laws last night (pictures soon, I had a blast!) and when we arrived I was so excited to see Trace. I had missed him soooo much. I kept walking into his room and looking at his little bed and smelling his stuffed animals and blanket. They smelled just like his sweaty morning hair. Ahhh, the smell only a mother could love. I went over to my little guy ready to give him a big hug and kiss and he wanted nothing to do with me! As usual...

You see this isn't the first time he has turned me down or acted like 

he hadn't missed me at all. He does this all the time.

And here is the irrational thinking in me- The first couple of times I have been pushed away by him after reuniting it hurt my feelings. How could it not? I spend every single day with this boy, I hug him and kiss him and cuddle him. I change him and feed him and put him to bed. I am the one who stays up with him at night when he is scared. I am the one kissing his boo-boo's and wiping his tears. How could he not miss me as much as I miss him? It has started to become offensive now.  I was embarrassed that he didn't want to hug me yesterday, and that is wrong. There is no reason for me to be feeling any of this. He is a little boy having a good time with his friends, he sees his mommy all the time. So to him it was no big deal.

Every time I get ready to pick up Trace from his grandparents or they drop him off I have this vision of my little boy seeing me from across the room and scrambling to break free from whoever is holding him and running to me arms wide open. This has never happened. And that is ok, but I at least wish he would let me kiss him without turning his head and trying to get away. I wish he would at least respond to me when I ask if he had a good time or try to engage him in a conversation. Mommy does not exist at all around other people. Yesterday he outright ignored me the entire time we were at the party. He ran away from me at some points. I really don't get it. It makes me feel like such an ass.

My husband gets annoyed when I bring it up, especially when I cry over it (which is almost every time). He has to constantly explain "Trace just sees us as taking him away from a good time when he is at other people's homes. He sees you and gets upset because he knows he will have to go home soon." I get it, totally makes sense. But it doesn't take away from the fact my feelings are hurt. 

Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? I really don't think I am... he is so loving to me at home. So why doesn't he act that way around others? 

I would love feedback from other mommie's how their kids act to reuniting with them after a sleep over with their grandparents or other family members.